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666 Great Junction Street

Part 16

The unclear family unit of Whitney, Ryan and Shadney stopped in their trackies as they heard the loud bang and subsequent furore emanating from Great Junction Street.

'Some bastard's been shot!' said Ryan.

'Nah,' said Whitney, wheeling Shadney around in her buggy and peering back down the road. 'It's just that pervert and weirdo being fannies. Look, there's the pigs noo.'

They gazed idly upon the unfolding drama with a mixture of indifference and scorn, sneering and grunting in unison as if choreographed by the Arrogant Apathetic All Star Syncopation Troupe. As the loudhailer rang out, little Shadney spat out her dummy and began to wail.

'Shut it, Shadney,' said Ryan. 'Ah cannae hear a wurd thur sayin''

Shadney was having none of it. Her ear-splitting screams threatened to drown out the lisping policeman's amplified commands.

'Jeez,' exclaimed Ryan. 'The bairn's been trommitised.'

'Aye, so she has,' said Whitney. 'They pigs huv trommitised ma bairn. Shut it, Shadney, fur fuck sake.'

Whitney dipped the dummy into the rim of her litre bottle of White Lightning and tipped the torpedo like cannister up in order to thoroughly soak the teat. She lovingly licked the few drops of sickly sweet liquid which had dribbled over her fingers, then tried in vain to wedge the dripping pacifier back into her offspring's screaming orifice.

But the child was inconsolable. It had indeed been induced into a traumatised state by the over stimulating sight of the Leith police in action, and violently swiped at its mother's hand with its chubby paw.

'Jesus Christ, Ryan,' said Whitney, exasperated. 'She's gaun pure mental. What'll we dae?'

Ryan thought for a moment - an ugly sight for the other pedestrians (crouching or upright) and passers by, who feared he was on the verge of exploding in a fit of actual bodily harm all over the pavement. Then a glimmer of enlightenment oozed over his normally scrunched visage, while his one menacing eyebrow leaped with such alarming kinetic energy as to set the painstakingly coiffured rat tails constituting his hairstyle dancing over his corrugated forehead.

'Compo!' he yelled, Archimedes-like. 'We can claim fur it. Mental scarring and aw that. Keep greetin' Shadney. We'll wheel you roon tae the pig sty and get them fur harassment.'

He grinned triumphantly as he wallowed in the utter beauty of his keen brain and cunning resourcefulness, while twirling his gold sovereign rings playfully round his hirsute knuckles.

'Aye, they'll no be able to ignore us once they see the bairn's that upset and that.'

Whitney sighed in awe. She never failed to be astounded at the sheer brilliance of her man's ingenuity.

'Pure skill!' she gasped, whilst kicking the back of Shadney's buggy enthusiastically for added howling effect.

Ryan beamed from scar to scar as he watched Clint McMurdo and Michael Cade being bundled into the back of the police car.

'Glory, glory to the pigees!' he warbled as he punched the air.

Next week: After life - mair life!



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