The unclear family unit of Whitney, Ryan and Shadney
stopped in their trackies as they heard the loud bang
and subsequent furore emanating from Great Junction
bastard's been shot!' said Ryan.
said Whitney, wheeling Shadney around in her buggy
and peering back down the road. 'It's just that pervert
and weirdo being fannies. Look, there's the pigs noo.'
gazed idly upon the unfolding drama with a mixture
of indifference and scorn, sneering and grunting in
unison as if choreographed by the Arrogant Apathetic
All Star Syncopation Troupe. As the loudhailer rang
out, little Shadney spat out her dummy and began to
it, Shadney,' said Ryan. 'Ah cannae hear a wurd thur
was having none of it. Her ear-splitting screams threatened
to drown out the lisping policeman's amplified commands.
exclaimed Ryan. 'The bairn's been trommitised.'
so she has,' said Whitney. 'They pigs huv trommitised
ma bairn. Shut it, Shadney, fur fuck sake.'
dipped the dummy into the rim of her litre bottle
of White Lightning and tipped the torpedo like cannister
up in order to thoroughly soak the teat. She lovingly
licked the few drops of sickly sweet liquid which
had dribbled over her fingers, then tried in vain
to wedge the dripping pacifier back into her offspring's
the child was inconsolable. It had indeed been induced
into a traumatised state by the over stimulating sight
of the Leith police in action, and violently swiped
at its mother's hand with its chubby paw.
Christ, Ryan,' said Whitney, exasperated. 'She's gaun
pure mental. What'll we dae?'
thought for a moment - an ugly sight for the other
pedestrians (crouching or upright) and passers by,
who feared he was on the verge of exploding in a fit
of actual bodily harm all over the pavement. Then
a glimmer of enlightenment oozed over his normally
scrunched visage, while his one menacing eyebrow leaped
with such alarming kinetic energy as to set the painstakingly
coiffured rat tails constituting his hairstyle dancing
over his corrugated forehead.
he yelled, Archimedes-like. 'We can claim fur it.
Mental scarring and aw that. Keep greetin' Shadney.
We'll wheel you roon tae the pig sty and get them
grinned triumphantly as he wallowed in the utter beauty
of his keen brain and cunning resourcefulness, while
twirling his gold sovereign rings playfully round
his hirsute knuckles.
they'll no be able to ignore us once they see the
bairn's that upset and that.'
sighed in awe. She never failed to be astounded at
the sheer brilliance of her man's ingenuity.
skill!' she gasped, whilst kicking the back of Shadney's
buggy enthusiastically for added howling effect.
beamed from scar to scar as he watched Clint McMurdo
and Michael Cade being bundled into the back of the
glory to the pigees!' he warbled as he punched the
week: After life - mair life!