PASSION OF THE CHRIS (published 3 April 2004)
Hic!

Chris Evans has announced he is to remake the greatest story ever told in order to reflect his important contribution to the human race.

The film is expected to reveal for the first time the immense contribution alcohol played in the creator's life. Included is a controversial interpretation of how the world was created during a drunken evening and God's subsequent hangover:

Liberal Democrat leader, Charles Kennedy, has decried the project as preposterous nonsense, or, as he told our reporter:

"Ish preposhterush nonshunsh....Ya bass."

PRINCE PUCKERS UP (published 3 April 2004)
Say cheesy

The Royal family got all stroppy again this week over the press releasing intimate photographs of one of their horsey brood.

The Reckless says, Sod 'em.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT PALAVER (published 10 April 2004)
Spidey senses tingling more

"Heineken, Heineken, does whatever a Heineken." So sings spiderman in the latest version of the superhero's celluloid exploits. People who complain about this sort of thing complained about it this week.

Peter Parker was too pickled to comment.

THISTLE KILLER (published 10 April 2004)
When Flowers Attack

A new strain of killer thistles is causing concern amongst nature type commentators.

A nature type commentator said yesterday, 'I am concerned.'

GREYFRIARS MYSTERY (published 17 April 2004)
Whose Grave is it Anyway?

Mystery surrounds an enigma wrapped in a conundrum this week as a gravestone is uncovered revealing ...um...nothing much.

LIONS DOMESTICATED (published 17 April 2004)
Where have you been?

Lions at Edinburgh Zoo have been domesticated to the point of farcicality, it has been reported. Our picture shows Mrs Lion giving Mr Lion a right rollicking after staying out all night.

WALKING BREAKTHROUGH (published 24 April 2004)
Hi Tech

A new invention is set to revolutionise the walking patterns of lazy people everywhere. The device, called, Helpmegetoffmylazyfatarseandmove v.2.4 is designed to be held in both hands whilst a pressed button helps lift your feet off the ground.

There are reports that many people have already been moved by the invention.

'NO CLUE' CLUCKS RON (published 24 April 2004)
Power to the Punter

Ignorant eejit, Ron Atkinson, has admitted he has no clue what's going on in his tiny brain and denied again this week that he is a racist. Indeed, he now claims to have been a founding member of the Black Panthers, as our exclusive photie shows.

There are also rumours abounding this week that he is to team up with his namesake, Rowan, for a new cartoon series on BBC Two Billion.

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