BARNEY AND SPOT
FOR NHS (published 2 February 2002)
All the president's dogs are being scrambled in readiness for export to the NHS. Barney and Spot's remarkable resuscitation techniques following the world's most powerful man's pretzel choking incident are to be utilised to help bolster Britain's flagging health service, a breathless vet announced yesterday.
Trudi Mostau (for it was she) explained,
'These remarkable canines have shown a tremendous flair for reviving stricken victims of snack based type attacks. I intend to coach them in the ways of vet style manoeuvers so that gradually they will be capable of administering medication, giving jags, and performing major organ transplants. You can catch it all in my next TV series, Vets Take Over the World .'
WORKOUT VIDEO (published
2 February 2002)
VOMITING VIRUS (published 9 February 2002)
The latest crazy bug sweeping the nation has been traced back to popular TV presenter Dale Winton.
Speaking between heaves at his luxury villa in Barfshire, the cheeky Winton explained:
'Yes, I'm afraid it's all my fault, whoaaargh. Sorry. You see, I ate some left over anchovies last Tuesday which I found whilst rummaging in the darker recesses of my bedroom closet.
'Well, I felt fine at the time, but later on I inadvertently threw up on a plate of sanguine saucy sausages on a special celebrity edition of Ready Steady Puke.
'So, naturally, the resultant coagulated dog's dinner was distributed liberally as reconstituted cattle fodder, hence entering the food chain and resulting in the carnage we now see around us. Sorry.'
Later, Dale regaled us with anecdotal evidence of much merriment and mirth which would soon be taking place on his new show, Daley Does Darrius.
It is believed Dale has not come in contact with mince. Or cheese.
(Readers who have been affected by this story are advised to turn away from their keyboards if they feel nauseous.)
FACTION (published 9 February 2002)
There is much skulking and skullduggery afoot in the mean streets of Forfar according to a new report out next August. Commentators are worried that this could lead to an increase in the price of bed linen in and around the Angus area.
Economic expert, Jingle Fearlessly, told the Reckless,
'That's right. For the atrociously low price of £3.84 you too can own a beret just like mine. Think how this could improve your standing with the ladies, my friend.'
Somebody in Forfar said, 'Will we be getting new cardigans?'
To which another officious buddy replied, 'Absolutely not. You and your fellow citizens are far too furtive I'm afraid.'
Lovers of sense and plot lines have been reminded that Mullholland Drive is not available in any shops. At all. It's a film, you see.
LEOPARD MAN CHANGES
SPOTS (published 16 February 2002)
Following his association with the mad vampire killers of Germany, Skye's tattooed Leopard Man is seeking a makeover.
Tom Leppard (for that is his real name, honest) is believed to be consulting a rudimentary body artist specialising in big black spots in order to soften his image.
It is believed he will now be called Tom Dalmatian.
Deed poll officials are said to be distraught at Tom's decision to disassociate himself from big cats, but are taking comfort in the news that Jeffrey Archer could soon be changing his name to Lion Cheetah.
NEDS NICK THATCH
(published 16 February 2002)
The gang leaders were captured on CCTV making their getaway and are expected to land their own TV series soon to capitalise on this entrepreneurial feat of derring do.
A spokesperson for neds everywhere, Frank Kappa, said yesterday, 'Hey, lavvy heid. You're gettin' it.'
COWS STRIKE IMMINENT
(published 23 February 2002)
Cattle union leader, Bluddy Fresian, warned yesterday of an all out strike amongst cows.
'A combination of bad press, undue stress and general unrest has led the bovine nation to this sorry mess,' he commented poetically.
'We're not mad anymore, we're beelin',' he continued somewhat less lyrically.
It is understood that milk is to be witheld udderwise, while cud is chewed with leaders in the field. What field has not been specified.
A spokesperson for the Jersey branch, Pat Throwing, said they hoped a decision would be reached soon, if only to save further suffering by the innocent victims of farmyard puns everywhere.