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February 2004 Archive

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RECKLESS RESTAURANT REVIEW (published 7 February2004)

More purple haste, less speed

Actually getting in to the Purple Haze Cafe proved a major coup in itself, writes our restaurant critic, Mayor Pies. The door policy dictated that each potential bon viveur was vetted with extreme prejudice.

Luckily, once I explained my culinary credentials, I was whisked inside and told to keep my rizzlas in my pocket, whatever that meant. The entire contents of my pocket consisted of a charmingly petite silver plated Georgian toothpick and a tastefully embroidered monogrammed silk handkerchief.

The ambience, once inside was decidedly rustic. The quaint scrawls on the blackboard menu, obviously the work of an idiot savant were stunningly thrown into stark brightness due to the contrasting blacked out windows.

The clientele appeared to consist largely of people in fancy dress accommodating themselves to what I presumed was the themed evening of law and order. My other eating companions were members of a local amateur dramatic society called the SSP. Quite a heady mix, I'm sure you'll agree.

As for the food itself, it seemed to consist mainly of cakes and tea. Whilst I am partial to such basic fare, I did feel it was a disappointingly meagre choice. I plumped for the rather exotic sounding Moroccan Macaroons and was swiftly ejected by the aforementioned fancy dress participants in what I can only imagine was part of the establishment's delightfully earthy leaving policy.

I later learned that the cafe's owner and ex-gardener plans to open a chain of topically themed restaurants beginning with a Pizza Hutton:


CARLUKE PRANKSTER CAUGHT (published 7 February2004)
Exclusive interview

The infamous Carluke Guide website has been all over the news this week due to its unique take on life in the South Lanarkshire town, including its international airport and supermodel infested nightspots.

We caught up with its author, Stuart Mcilwain, in a secret location in Edinburgh not a million miles away from The Hogshead on Rose Street.

So, why Carluke?
Because I've lived there for five years. You've got to know your subject. And Carluke? Well, it almost deserves it. There's so many websites out there that tell you Carluke's a terrible, run down, full of neds kind of place. Carluke Guide is an exaggerated look, but it's a good kind of exaggeration. And, more importantly, none of the information on it is personally identifiable with one person.

What would you say is Carluke's biggest attraction?
There is no attraction in Carluke. But not in a bad way. It's a nice place to bring up kids. It's got a lot of good schools, good facilities. My reason for living there was that house prices were quite low. And for the money you get a really really nice place.

How much has interest in the site increased?
Well, on Tuesday the 3rd of February, hits on the site were 55. As of 11.39p.m on Friday the 6th that had risen to 45,783 precisely. I'd say it's increased a little bit.

What other projects do you have on the go?
There's my one true website, if you would, where all my digital art works are and, of course, where the A Team reside, and that's

The A Team?
Yes, my A Team dolls have been around Scotland with me as well as Heathrow Airport, Los Angeles, Australia and all over New Zealand. Their adventures have been recently updated, including the double episode where B.A. gets a parking ticket.

Any advice for our readers?
Yeah. Don't believe the hype.

Such is Stuart's magnetic drawing power that, by this point in the interview, a crowd of onlookers had gathered so questions were thrown open to the audience. Patrick Jones, a small chap with Liza Minelli hair, asked,

Why are you such a cunt?
I'll be happy to field that question. I'm such a cunt because somebody has to be. I'm pushing back the boundaries. I'm kicking out. I'm socking it to the people and if they don't like it, the public are fucking cunts and you can quote me on that.

Johnny Rotten beat you to that.
Fuck him as well.

TUITION FLEAS ROW (published 21 February2004)
You Scratch my Back...

The Itchy and Scratchy Show

Students across the nation are up in arms, wrists and ankles over the current infestation of fleas hopping about campuses.

Spokesperson for the students union, Stephen Howkin', said yesterday,

'Down a bit, left a bit, that's it right there. Now give it a good scratch.'

FARE'S FAIR (published 21 February2004)
Quid sin


Edinburgh bus passenger, Norris McChancer, bit off just the right amount he could chew this week when asked for the exact fare.

Norris nibbled a portion of a one pound coin he reckoned equalled twenty pee in order to pay his 80 pence fare.

'I'm sick of donating 20p to the bus companies every time I don't have the right change,' spat Norris whilst tearing a fiver into equal strips amounting to a pound's worth each.

A spokesperson for Lothian Buses, Hamish Grimegrinder, announced yesterday that Mr McChancer's protest would have no effect on the company's strict exact fare policy. So no change there then, as a less erudite hack might say and, indeed, just has.

TIGGER TASTIC (published 28 February2004)

The wonderful thing about Tolkein

The release this week of The Lord of the Boings: The Return of the Spring
has had film critics frothing at the arse. As one exuberent review put it: It's bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun , fun, fun, fun, fun.

WINDOW WIPING WISDOM (published 28 February2004)
Wahey hey hey

Norman Wisdom has jumped out of retirement to indulge his new found passion for window cleaning.

He was spotted this week taking over the patch previously wiped by a dirt great big pussy cat with natural built-in chamois capability:

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