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June 2006 Archive

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MURRAY MINCE (published 30 June 2006)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that anyone who plays tennis will utter shite for the rest of their miserable existence. This maxim was confirmed this week when foppish waif, and heavyweight philosopher, Andrea Murray, spewed forth more words of wisdom concerning lowering wages for wimmen whilst advocating more money for tousle-haired huffy types. Murray tried desperately to redeem himself by taking a Jakey McConnell, 'Ah'm no supporting England' stance. Unfortunately, unlike The Faust Minister, Andrea just happens to be at Wimbers - the heart of luvvie Ingerland at the moment.


ROSS DROSS DENIAL (published 30 June 2006)

Johnnyfun Woss has denied being childish in his questioning of Tory leader David Thingwy last week. 'It's awwant nonsense,' said Mr Woss yesterday, 'I gwilled him fuwally on fiscal matters and his pwoposed economic and education polices, including the importance of the fwee Rs. Then I asked him if he used to wank over pictures of Mrs Thatcher.'


AMERICA INVADES WORLD CUP (published 23 June 2006)

"It's the only language they understand!" screamed a dribbling Geordie Bush as the tanks rolled into Nuremberg yesterday. After his team's inglorious exit from the tournament, the president declared, "It's our ball and we're taking it back. If we can't be the best at soccer, no-one can." He went on to declare the rest of the footballing nations 'insurgents' and issued orders for his boys to shoot on sight, even if they do miss the target or hit the woodwork.



A spokesperson for Scottish Power, Fatwa Cattus, declared yesterday that they were actively encouraging their customers to compete in the popular game show, as it was now their only chance of being able to pay their bills.



ROONEY DECLARED MATCH FIT (published 16 June 2006)

Well known Arche Gemmill lookalike, Mickey Rooney, 98, has been declared match fit for England's continuing world cup campaign. The veteran entertainer, famed for his athletic dance routines, is reportedly delighted at the opportunity to practice his 'high-kicking' moves once again.



THE END IS NIKE* (published 16 June 2006)

Sartorially aware youngsters are preparing to do battle with the traditional nay sayers and doom lovers used to tramping our streets cheerily warning us of our imminent deaths. 'We embrace debauchery and the new uselessness,' guffawed radical leader of GOSH (Gentlefolks Of Searing Honesty), Justin Frogglinton Smythe-Pants, yesterday.

*headline © R. McNeil of Hootsmon publikashuns


THIS MONTH'S FREE CD (published 9 June 2006)

The thrilling follow up CD from South Queensferry's only one man Fall tribute band, The Foul, is out now. Get yer filthy mitts on a free copy right here: I'm An Edinburgh Man, Myself.



I JUST WANNA LOOK AT YOUR POO (published 9 June 2006)

Gillian McKeith, a penguin band and dancing poo . What more could you possibly want? Lyrics by Miss Prism, song by DogHorse, animation by Eclectech. Catch this marvellous megabyte Flash file here: I just wanna look at your poo





Following revelations of John Prescott's prowess at elite sports, the English lacrosse team have elected him captain of the national side. Said Two Shags yesterday, 'Naturally, I'm delighted. Plus I get to wear a lovely skirt. Gets the air flowing around the balls, you know.'


DOHERTY NOT ARRESTED SHOCK (published 3 June 2006)

Professional non-entity, Pete Doherty, was not arrested yesterday. Chief Constable Colin Copper of the Cops said, 'Oops, sorry. We just popped out to the shops and forgot.'


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