I’m not Fattish, maybe a bit overnourished, but I’m not reversing into our bog with sidemirrors yet. Tula Hoops
Dr F: I wouldn’t say you were fattish at all. You may have to eat a few more pork pies yet. The forklift arrives in a few minutes. Which Pie and Mash shop shall we carry you to?
I like to go ‘twitching’. I find myself a ‘hide’ and look out for some exotic bird and the twitching starts during throes of orgasm. Hank Achief
Dr F: Hold hard! These involuntary movements happen. Hence the kick in the balls I gave you for molesting my Aunt Dolly. Twitching is one thing but she was expecting to see a flock of seagulls or some other band from the 80s.
My Mum has a fetish she keeps shagging all my boyfriends. The other day she caught me with my boyfriend on the sofa and she turned Corrie off to watch us. Before I know it, she taking my Clive’s clothes off and using the toilet brush for other purposes than cleaning around the rim. As her son I find it most embarrassing. Tristan Shout
Dr F: I need to see you altogether in the altogether. I will make a housecall for the Omnibus edition.
I’m a contortionist and I enjoy oral sex. I’m ready to try it on somebody else now. Granny Knott
Dr F: As an expert in the medical profession I can offer you all the help you need by roleplay sessions. You don’t have to ask or pay for this service as its free on the NHS Take your teeth out as I don’t need you talking too much with your mouth full.
Avast me hearties! I have a fetish for young barnacles. They have a ribbed quality and that smattering of glistening scuppered to the starboard and clenched to the keel with a tease of seaweed hanging from ridged nodules. Shipmates! I can’t wait for the next swell! Barnacles and their nautical tenacity fair makes me wet in me Sou’Wester! I never thought that rubbing myself up against them could make my yardarm so much saltier than usual. They are easy to find on boat-owners bottoms and now I am senile all I have is the odd chance to dip me bloater in the dayroom aquarium at the, “No Sudden Movements” Care establishment. But Matron caught me danging my harpoon and now she has had to fill out another risk assessment! Findus the Fisherman
Dr F: That’s so awful! Those pesky Risk assessments can take nearly 15 minutes to fill out. I have a penchant for limpets myself. Half of them live in my feckin’ surgery.
I’m a Nun at "The Holy Hiding Place for Wanton Self Abuse." I love the calling. But it’s hard frigging yourself off in the name of Jesus when I have taken a vow of silence. How can I stop shouting “Christ, I’m coming…?” Sister Blisters
Dr F: Annie Lennox was right. Sisters are doing it for themselves with a little help from a burning bar of carbolic soap. We must trust in the Lord. After all he has been coming for ages, and that’s why in all his pictures he wears a Terry’s diaper. Why else would his Father keep his only begotten hands so far apart.
My fetish is paying Council Tax. I get sexually excited paying an illegal tax invented by a paedophile protector, and charged by corporations, and has feckall to do with the council, but to give money to Nathan Rothschild, and all the other parasites who are alien shapeshifting reptilians and feed on the blood of infants in ritual sacrifice within the bowels of the Vatican. Is this normal? David Icke
Dr F: Absolutely! You are as sane as I. If you believe in Fema camps and the Illuminati and get a kick out of knowing we are controlled by the world media and fake news it can seem just too much for anyone to take in. But this is what your council wants. Next stop? A box of tissues and the late night XXX adult previews, and the world seems a far safer place within a matter of moments. Draw the curtains first and you can ignore that faked moon landings that were just staged to make you have a wank. Anyway if you used to be a goalie grabbing balls is what you are used to.
I want to have sex with David Cameron on the London Eye. Then when we get to the top, show off our wrinkly old bums to The Houses of Parliament! Moira Less
Dr F: I don’t think you will fit the whole House of Lords in one of those capsules.
I am an Xpat living in Spain. As we hate living in Britain until we need free dental care or hip replacement. My wife complains of pins and needles everywhere. So, I punched her and she landed in a cactus. Hassi Endohurr
Dr F: This ‘white flight’ phenomenon started when Brits after the war went to Spain to escape the English weather. Oh, and avoid Johnny Foreigner. The best way to do that is to invade another country. Makes sense, right?
I fell in love with a Zombie. Blowjobs are a bit touch and go. Should I distract her with some raw liver, instead? Ivor Weinerinbetweener
Dr F: Safe sex with flesh-eating lovers can be tense. As your GP I suggest you use a salami to get the best from your intimacy. Shove that up her arse at the point of popping your nut, and her rancid gob will fly open, leaving you free to reach for the wet-wipes and Listerine. If she objects keep a stake and club hammer handy or spray Roundup in her eyes.