This week: AGE CONCERN

Why won’t you let me a see a consultant? You claimed to be a specialist Doctor and said that consultants will just leave a bad taste in my mouth. You are right! A Ferrari, Freemasonry, and a Harley Street practice doesn’t make a good consultant as much as a hygienic BJ from a perfect stranger. Ivor Colesore

Dr F: You are not a perfect stranger if they let you do it more than once. Don’t be fooled by a different bowtie that they wear sometimes to confuse you. Get your mobile phone and take a picture of the top of their head and threaten to use it to discredit them. Top of the head ID parades are very common with cocksuckers.

Why do you borrow my glasses to write my prescription? They are supposed to go on your head, not balanced on your erect penis. Stan Corrected

Dr F: Sorry that was shortsighted of me. I’m afraid my Jap’s eye has got something in it. You see I borrowed your pen too.

Why is my wife always never in the last place I looked? Mister Point

Dr F: Your wife died in 1963. She was very thin, making her hard to locate. Even when she was cremated she only left a smudge. At least she died in her sleep. It’s just a shame she was driving a car at the time.

Why do taking drugs lead you to nowhere? Raoul Aspliff

Dr F: This is true but at least it’s the scenic route.

Why did you kill my father? All he wanted was a penile wart removed and you ordered castration. He bled to death directly after the operation, slicing a main artery on a corned beef tin trying to retrieve his dick out of a rubbish skip. John Thomas

Dr F: There were complications. The council failed to remove the skip from my office entrance. I had to walk two blocks to park my car.

I’m a 97 year old virgin at the local parish funded care home “Refuge for The Straying Conga Line and Can I Push you Closer to the Window as long as you Promise to Eat some of the Broken biscuits First, you Greedy Bugger, Go to Your Room,  No glass of sherry for You ..You ..You You Batty Old Bitch..Roll on Death I Say…Home for Retired nuns, Kennel maids and Librarians with Slightly Varicose but Reasonably Tight Buns and Dribbled Readbrek.”  You prescribed me WD 40 to help ease stiff joints. What do you think I am, some sort of overworked pumping station? Ulrika Piss

Dr F: You could be if you play your cards right, babe. This is your last chance to lose your cherry before catheter use. I’m calling around tonight. I want to listen to Glenn Miller Mantavani and Charles Azznovoice albums and gingerly thumb through your thimble collection. I want to walk down memory lane and reminisce about mustard gas and put it down to trapped wind.

Or we could just go to Bingo?

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