This week: ALLERGIES
I’m allergic to night clubs. I come out in black eyes and broken legs. Ivor Shiner
Dr F. This is soon remedied. Stand on a chair to hit doormen and then you are free to chat up the DJ’s girlfriend.
I have an allergy to buying a round. I sweat and shake while feeling noxious. Have I got these symptoms because I am beer intolerant? Titus Fukk
Dr F. I’m beer intolerant. If the barman puts my change in a puddle of beer again I’ll steal his coke gun and spray the customers shouting ‘firedrill’. Your nerves are probably due to being unable to remember your wife’s debit card pin number.
I’m allergic to chocolate. It makes my hips and bum break out in cellulite giving me an urge to make love to Des O’Connor. Fatima Gills
Dr F: How long have you tolerated dimples between your thighs?
I have used honey during kinky sex with her majesty the Queen and now I have broken out in hives making it difficult to get on trains. What do you suggest? Cliff Hanger
Dr F: The Jubilee line is more appropriate. Next time mind the gap.
My Great Dane is in and out of puddles all day. Should I stop him? Sarah Lawginstit
Dr F: I would, its a lot to ask of a hamster.
I’m in the African Savannah and I am allergic to wild lions. The other day one bit my head off and the dander from its coat made my eyes stream. Now my head has rolled over a precipice and I can’t reach a tissue out of my pocket. Di Lemma
Dr F: Oh dear. This sounds appalling for you. Allergies can be a real pain in the neck. Thanks for the heads up.
I’m an ice cream vendor and I’ve caught VD from your wall mounted alcohol antibacterial rub. It had been mistakenly used as an enema for a timeshare salesman who could not sit down while being full of shit. I’m going to shoot you. Shoot your wife. Shoot your brothers and sisters. Then I’m going to stick a flake in my ear and sprinkle hundreds and thousands in my hair to top myself. LukeWarm
Dr F: That’s a trifle rash. Now, put the magnum down and step away from my van.
I have impetigo. People keep wanting to dip garlic bread in it. What shall I do? Horace Shit
Dr F: Don’t tell them about the mozzarella coming from your sinuses. It might put diners off.
I am allergic to ferrets but why do you insist on trying to stuff one down my knickers. You know what a smelly horrible thing it is. Gladys Innacagenoo
Dr F: Don’t worry. I have put a peg on its nose.
I’m a vampire and allergic to sunlight. May I book an appointment with you after sundown? Norah Neck
Dr F: Ok. I’m still waiting on the results of your blood tests. Are you sure you dropped them off at the lab?
I am allergic to peanut butter and chicken. Please help. Anna Rexic
Dr F: I’ll try. The last thing you want is a cock sticking to the roof of your mouth.
I am five years old and I think my dog is tired. I saw another dog trying to push it home. Then a man threw a bucket of water over the dogs and my dog seemed wide awake again. Hurrah! Lil Toddler
Dr F: Exactly. Don’t tell your Mummy how tired your babysitter was the other night will you?
I’m a shortsighted snake and my wife has not spoken to me in years? Reese Enthissssstree
Dr F: Your laser treatment means I can have my garden hose back.
I’m a sexually frustrated walrus and I’m allergic to Tupperware, why? Bob InnabootDr F: You are not used to the vacuum and can’t find a tight seal.