This week: APPS

I’ve got an app that blows up bouncy castles. It cost £80 but that’s inflation for you. Brian Hatter

Dr F: Yes, how did we manage to do anything before apps? It’s all app- ening! The last application I used was Evo-stick on Formica to make a smooth work surface. Now you don’t even need a desk! All your office work can be done by mobile phone, allowing secretaries to be safe from spontaneous copulation and the use of my blotter in future.

I am your secretary. I believe that particular app is no good when your phone always says “limited service”. So where are we going to have clumsy disappointing sex,  if we can’t use your desk?  I suppose I could always photocopy my bum again? Miss Led

Dr F: Hurrah! No need.  I have solved the problem. I will simply buy another desk and you can rummage through my drawers to your heart's content. Some things cannot be replaced by technology.

I have an app that brings me to orgasm at the touch of a button.  Shall we ring each other. Tristan Shout

Dr F: I only ring rare birds. They are more common than I thought though. Especially in Blackpool where they scavenge chips and then shit all over you.

You gave me a cell phone. But it only works in the exercise yard. Dean Time

Dr F: How odd! You should get a better signal than that. When in your cell next time try and count how many bars you have.

I have an app most days. I’m 83 years old and fucked after me meals on wheels and the Risperidol. Gerry Hatrick

Dr F: How lonely you must be without a Blackberry. I suppose the last time you used a phone it had a crank on the side. Now there is only me.

I have an app that gives me oral sex while I’m driving. I’ve never been in an accident but I’ve caused plenty. Vi  Brate

Dr F: Phones with that degree of technology have obviously never been held in a queue.

My Android phone interrupts me when I’m talking bullshit, enhancing my social life no end. The downside is I’ve started to take the continual criticism personally and now I'm hanging from this loft. I’d call the Samaritans but they always tell me to get a grip and fuck off. Dan Onmaluck

Dr F: How about an upgrade? Use this new stool from Ikea.

My Smartphone told me to buy a Smart Car from a Smart Arse and now I’ve caught my knob in the door. Perry Noia

Dr F: Don’t you have keys?

My HTC has an app so it can tell you how good wine is by dipping it in the glass. Brilliant! Except after a few minutes, it gets loud, bangs on about socialism and then pisses in my wardrobe. Dean Maheedin

Dr F: No point in trying to get sense from a phone that is the worse for wear. Soon they let themselves go with cracked and scratched screens and weak signals, poor charging and become too embarrassing to take out. But at the end of the day most phones will sooner or later be seen dead with you.

My Nokia has voice recognition for schizophrenics. When I hear voices it says: “These  voices may seem real to you, but in my opinion you are a complete fuckin’ nutter and a waste of my battery ya cunt..”Erin Bollocks

Dr F: I see, it's one of those fancy ‘loser friendly’ phones. I’d take you all out for a drink but I don’t do large rounds.

I have an app that works like a metal detector. I went to Paris and it found the Eiffel tower in no time. Kip Lookin

Dr F: Take 2 Senakot every 30 seconds, and four family packs of Exlax every 3 minutes. It won’t cure your stupidity but it will prove to everybody within a range of several hundred yards that you give a shite.

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