This week: Embarrassing Bodies 2

This Ebola epidemic is a bit scary. I have a sign on my front door saying “Please Will All West African Postman  Keep my Junkmail .” Is this sufficient to stop an outbreak in my front hallway? I have just had new linoleum and freshly artexed the downstairs loo.Tom Bola

DR F: To increase your immunity play “Liberian Girl” from Michael Jackson's ‘Bad’ album. Read dosage instruction on the record sleeve. “2 times a day at maximum volume for the next week”. It will not prevent an epidemic but it’s a change from Mantovani or bloody Donald Peers when I’m around yours for butter and crumpet.

Embarrassing Bodies? I’m an OCD grammar Nazi and the body of your email was very embarrassing. It was punctuated with colons. I have only managed to remove only half your colon. I ran out of Tippex when using it on my iphone screen. Are you happy with just a semi colon? Miss Pelt

Dr F: When texting or emailing, punctuation is no longer an academic requirement. I printed off your email and flushed it down my toilet helped with a forward slash.

I’m a half blind gay pastry chef. I wanted to go on “The Great British Bake off” but ended up misreading the road sign and ended up at “The Late Skittish Jerk off”.  It was a Joan Rivers tribute.

Dr F: Your leprosy disqualified you. I previously swapped the road-signs to mislead you. If I’d wanted muesli as an ingredient on my favourite show I would have asked you to comb your hair.

What have you got against lepers? My name is Dermot Tisis. Do I ring a bell? D.T

Dr F: Lets avoid the obvious answer to that. As long as you feel good in your own skin… Just stop turning our aircon in the surgery into a Himalayan blizzard.

I’m a street performing  promiscuous pastry chef and can juggle chainsaws while having sex with Homepride flour graders. Its not much of a job but I make a crust! Philoh Flakes

Dr F: Making the grade is one thing. I don’t mind how many pies you have fingers in, as long as I don’t find one on the end of my fork.

I have a large mole on my anus. Thats the last time I do situps on the village green at midnight. Hugh Janus

Dr F: Moles are often called ‘beauty spots’ but don’t overdo the raw food diet as you even have a palmtree growing out of yours.

The cruel irony is I have man boobs after changing sex to be a bloke. I have baps any woman would be proud of, whereas before my op I had found bigger lumps in porridge! Phil Macleavage

Dr F: Your transgender operation was not without its complications. The theatre nurses tried to knit an Aran sweater to hide your ample manlike bosom but too many stitches were dropped leaving you with leather patchwork buttons as nipples. The first surgical procedure was going to be a lifejacket but lets face it you will never drown anyway.

I am 58 stone. I go to the gym 15 times a week. Once I actually went inside. I want to get fit but one of the machines just makes me sick. Col Estrel

Dr F: That’s the snack vendor machine. Plus you are supposed to take the wrappers off when you eat 23 Lion Bars and 42 Snickers. Your BP is 5083/3 million so if you want to see your next birthday buy me a pint.

I’ve just joined a group for OAPS. It’s called “Cage fighting for the over 60’s” I was expecting to learn how to kill and maim in some sort of high security kickboxing arena. Instead a van picked me up at 5am with lots of homeless foreigners and I ended up as a turkey catcher at a Bernard Mathews farm.
Ivor Bantam

Dr F: Nevermind, that still takes a lot of pluck. I printed you out your new prescription. As England's oldest crack addict I prescribed that you try what was originally typed  ‘hold turkey’. These bloody American spellcheckers have a lot to answer for.

see also: