I felt a certain chemistry as soon as we met. What started off as a harmless experiment ended up with a Big Bang! I had a bad reaction and have Bunsen in the oven. Sal Phate & Tess Toob
Dr F: Hold hard woman. Your treatment will be cutting edge. It’s called a caesarean. As for your sister, she will never conceive. Like me she will never be able to bear children. If she ever does go into labour then her politics are crap too.
You spent two days working on a chemical cure to re-grow my legs after they were amputated. How long will I have to sit in this compost heap? Hugh Stinks
Dr F: This is groundbreaking science. I have added fertiliser from a local landowner. He likes to be used on the land. Mr Farmer Sootical and I have witnessed new growth from your stumps. Fungi, is extraordinarily strong and can lift paving slabs. You should be able to walk on your mushrooms by the end of the week. Don’t chew your toenails in case they are toadstools which can be poisonous.
I don’t believe in chemicals. Food values prove that there are more ‘E’s in our pantry than at an illegal rave. Have you got any complimentary medicine? Ivor Tab
Dr F: I have a jar of aspirin that thinks your hair looks nice.
I have hives. I’m covered in them. I have to be very quiet undressing in case the bees get upset. Harry Arse
Dr F: There is nothing I can do. If you came out in rabbit hutches it might have been easier to remove them as I have a GCSE in woodwork.
I’m a closet gay. Can I shag you in the janitor’s cupboard? Tristan Shout
Dr F: Due to health & safety and COSSH standards I cannot allow you to have sex with me when exposed to hazardous chemicals used for cleaning. Last time you used anti-bacterial hand cleanser as lube a whole department had to go home with grubby palms. Instead, let's use the stationery cupboard as it will probably stay still for the duration.
You prescribed me tightrope walking at 300ft with one litre of Brobat in one hand and 500ml of Jeyes fluid in the other. I fell to my death but was able to text this message before I hit the pavement. Please get back asap. Fallon Doon
Dr F: It was a chemical imbalance and up until a second ago non-fatal. On the bright side, the street cleaners will have a head-start.
You took my son’s birthday present of a microscope and various chemicals and small instruments and put them in jelly. Why? Sherry Trifle
Dr F: That’s the chemistry set.
I’m a Teddy Boy. I borrowed your drainpipe trousers and now have water on the knee. I warn you. The press is arriving any minute! Cy Burns
Dr F: Good. A trouser press is ideal for a smooth crisp finish on your pants but it won’t help your house-maids knee. In future get someone else to black your stove and scrub the front doorstep.
I heard you are a butcher on the side? Do you keep dripping? Percy Vere
Dr F: Yes, its a bastard , isn’t it?
I keep chickens. You keep swapping my eggs for your own golfballs! Why? Al Bumen
Dr F: They are used to keep my hands warm on cold days when I fancy a round. I did mistake an egg for a golfball once, and the yoke was on me.
I’m a cannibal and fed up with eating arabs and vertically challenged forest people. Norah Sparerib
Dr F: What’s wrong with sheik and pygmy pie?
I sent you a piece of furniture to examine and I still have gut problems and why do you have a hotdog behind your ear? Dick Edd
Dr F: A stool sample is required, not your latest acquisition from Ikea. Since you ask, the hotdog behind my ear is because I can’t find my Emerald encrusted Parker pen to write your prescription. If you can’t read it, like most of my prescriptions it’s probably because I’m out of ketchup.
I’m a bunny hugger and hate chemicals tested on rabbits. Why should a small creature have to try lipstick and mascara on when women need it more? Teresa Importantoo
Dr F: Chemicals are tested on animals so women can use car mirrors to fix their makeup. Without these products there would be far less RTA’s but male alcohol related illnesses would soar. It follows under the same research that men would need more alcohol to shag women without make-up only to find they spent more money that night than they needed to in order to play a game of wheelbarrow.
Howay Mon! Takking aboot rabbits leek. My arse acts like a rabbits nerse when I’m oot deein a maths test, bonny lad! Geordie Basta
Dr F: Thank God for that! I thought you were having a shit in the park after 20 pints of lager and a take out from the ‘Delhi Belly Deli’ takeaway, last night, Silly me, you were just smelling the dandelions.
You sexist! Never before have I met a GP with such contempt for women! Is there nothing in your bigoted fat head that you can say that remotely respects the female species? Miss Sodgenist
Dr F: Oh, contraire. I’m all for the gentler sex. Not the ones that toss you off like their life depended on it leaving you with a bruised bellend and spanner rash on your nuts.
You spent an hour showing me how to use a toilet roll and now I’ve been arrested for jaywalking. Why? Luke Left
Dr F: I wanted you take note of the instruction ‘ tear across the dotted line.’
I’m Al Qaida. I’m blind. I’m gay. I’m doubly incontinent and I play cricket for my village. Hurrah! I can still get the runs without being out for a maiden. Good job I bat for the other side, eh? Singh Majeep
Dr F: So you are blind too? I can only feel for you. Gay, visually impaired terrorist cricketers with digestive issues are becoming more common these days. My books are full of sufferers like you who manifest exact symptoms. It’s the balding transvestite Eskimo topiary enthusiasts with overactive thyroids I feel sorry for.
I have tried a chemical called phenerome. Now the girls love me. The only problem is that when they see the size of my penis they run for their lives. Dick Draggin
Dr F: (Ahem!) Snap! I have the same problem. Gigantic penises? Who needs
them? A colossal phallus can scare off lots of people, so take my advice and assassinate David Cameron and the rest of the huge cocks in government. Do this on Guy Fawkes night and nobody will notice.
Note to all patients suffering nausea due to poor leadership skills.
I have been made aware of a very dangerous chemical element and would advise people read this wearing protective glasses and take appropriate caution.
If after reading this sensitive information you suffer ill effects, my surgery is always open, because I lost the key to the front door.
I have listed a chemical breakdown of this extremely dangerous element for your reference. The chemicals making up this element are unstable, volatile but generally impotent all at the same time.
The element is:
Governmentium consisting of:
Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Governmentium is inert until exposed to adverse effects like bad behaviour and poor performance but it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical mass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Other miniscule traces of intelligent activity can be found in these ‘rogue’ elements listed below.
T.W.A.T.S (=Twzz) Total wankers and Tosspot Shites
C.U.N.T.S (=Cnzz) Cameron’s underworld of nerdy tit suckers
S.C.R.O.T. E.S (=Scrtzz) Soppy clots. Rotten, obsolete, twisted, evil, sadsacks.
W.A.S.S.A.C.K.S (=Wazzzzz) Wingeing airy fairy slimy shitty arse-wiping cruddy knicker scumbags.
A.R.S.E.H.O.L.E.S. (=Azzzzazz) A right stupid Eton hoard of lowlife egotistical shitheads.
For further information on lesser known elements that ‘piggyback’ this chaotic chemical process, simply look up ‘parasites’on Google.
(AKA pussbags, fuckwits ,shagnasties, smegballs, spunkbubbles, turdhurdlers, snotgobblers, bottomburps, pervs, villains, gangsters, vagabonds, posh toffs who like little boys and magistrates that like to watch. And all the other twots and vermin who try to tell us how to live while they breed bastards like themselves, who destroy lives in this country and others by maiming and killing. Who lie, scam and demoralise. You know who you are).
If you feel that any of the above information may have an effect or impact on any of your own personal issues and relate to your own circumstances in any way and you would like to know more about GOVERNMENTIUM please get a life, get on a plane, and get the feck out of here.