I was born a twin too scared to come into the world on my own. I have OCD and visit hospitals just to hunt down midwifes, turn them upside down, and smack their big dimpled arses just to see how they like it. Anita Potty
Dr F: Try and turn the other cheek.
I’m already 11 centimetres dilated. Should I have gone to Specsavers? Jenna Side
Dr F: You said I made you pregnant after taking Viagra. The trouble is it will never stand up in court.
I have just offended a Vulcan. Should I have gone to Spocksoothers? Anna Dinn
Dr F: You may have something here but its probably inoperable.
I’m Yvette Fielding. I search for spirit people. Y.F
Dr F: You should have gone to Spookseekers.
I’m from Madrid and charming . Should I have gone to Spicksuavers? Miguel IzzFitt
Dr F: Only if you want to make a spectacle of yourself. Here are more I found on lavatory walls:
I’m needing an Arab to lay my driveway. I should have gone to Sikhpavers.
I want to learn to speak like Bill Shakespeare. I should have gone to Spakesayers.
I need to go to DFS. I should have gone to Speaksofas.
I just impaled myself on an iron railing. I should have gone to Spikeremovers.
I want to be a Pikey and deal drugs. I should have gone Smacktravellers.
I want to join the coalition party. I should have gone to Pisstakers.
I’m the queen and after the eighth labia enhancement you performed on me, my crown and collection of ridiculous Munchkin hats now fall down over my face and I can’t ride side-saddle anymore. We are not fucking amused, yer big sweaty nobhead! H.R.H
Dr F: May it please your majesty that to reconstruct your fanny we had to use both your ears hence the instability of your dodgy headgear. Try a tiara (or as I call it half a crown). As for riding side-saddle looking at the post op scar tissue you won’t need a saddle anymore saving you hours tacking up. When you eventually dismount you will appear to be wearing permanent purple bunny slippers.
What are you doing in my birth-pool with forceps, wearing a snorkel and trunks? Juwanna Dipp
Dr F: I couldn’t find my waders.
I’m the surgery Bursar named Titas Fukk. I wondered why you seem to use four tubes more KY per ultrasound than the other consultants. How much lube do you need? T.F
Dr F: They don’t mind. Most say a good napalm of the old cock slop on their bumps makes getting in and out of their car easier. The downside is that I tend to lose them like a bar of soap in the bath while feeling them up in the receptions revolving doors.
Because of you I’m a teenage mother. You warned me about contraception saying “Don’t worry I’ll pull out in time”. That’s the last time I have sex with you trying to overtake a lorry on a bend. Ophelia Dikk
Dr F: You try and use the brakes when your arse is doing 90 mph? Plus, its a lot harder when I try and stop in the wet.
Help me Doctor. It takes me five hours to get dressed during the day and just 45 seconds to dress in the middle of the night. What’s wrong with me? Ida Known
Dr F: You’re a midwife.
I’m a farmer’s wife. The flatulence is bad, Doctor. The other day I bent down too near the Aga and I puffed, and I guffed, and I fluffed for England. It was like a scene from ‘Backdraft’ My pinny exploded becoming a wall of flame and my paisley flannel knickers ignited sending a flume right up to me tuppence singeing me pubes and putting a charred crust on me hare pie. Penny Ann Acre
Dr F: I thought stubble burning was banned.
I’m 89 years old and you secretly put me on IVF treatment. Now I found out I’m pregnant with quadruplets. I only came in with hiccups! Minnie Saggs
Dr F: It cured your hiccups though, didn’t it?
How much does childbirth hurt? I don’t want to make too much noise as it distracts the customers, and if my waters break while I’m lap-dancing it could ruin a bloke's trousers. losing me my job, and the punter blaming it on an overzealous sink tap in the Gents! Irma Slutt
Dr F: It varies from woman to woman but I will probably use a tried and trusted technique. During the final contractions I will pull your fore lip over your face and then over the top of your head and use a nail gun to affix it to the base of your skull. Giving birth will appear not to hurt at all and you can “Gurn as you Earn” so to speak.
I’m your canteen supervisor. It’s twins Dr Farquar. You are the proud father of a girl and a boy! If I name the girl ‘Denise’ what do you want to call the boy? Nanna Custard
Dr F : ‘Denephew’.