week: Dr F comments on Climate Change
Climate change my arse! This summer is what a proper winter should be! Do you remember 1963? We actually loved going to school and playing snowballs on the way. No schools shut down in those days. Children have become molly coddled little shits. I was married at sixteen with a pregnant student teacher and West ham to support. Here is a list:
An asylum seeker was usually a political diplomat.
I passed my 11 plus with elastoplast over both lenses of my National Health Specs
We didn’t have feckin’ Iphones! We had rickets.
My school had bricks for windows and the canteen semolina was used to mend cricket bats.
Girls had nae tits. I had seen Ready Brek with bigger lumps in it. Pubic hair was for prefects.
The only environmental threat in those days was a blackboard rubber with deadly aim or a plimsoll mark on your arse Ajax couldn’t take off!
The poorest kids had a different surname by next term.
Polio got you out of playing rugby.
On cold days we were allowed to huddle around a bunsen burner.
I had great oral hygiene. The teacher used to wash my mouth out with carbolic soap.
Detention was God's way of sparing you corporal punishment.
No zipped shorts. Buttons on serge. Taking a piss without boltcroppers was impossible.
Pets were allowed at my school. Namely ringworm and nits.
Impetigo was not an Italian footballer or name of a moped.
Nylon underwear invented Caneston.
A Curly Wurly was much bigger then.
The bike shed was much bigger then.
For a Mars bar and half a crown Daisy Biggs would let you poke it with a stick.
Climate change? I started reducing my carbon print and recycling from day one of my life. Read on...
How many kids do you know shared a bath with their sister for the first twelve years of their life? Or wore cereal packet cardboard for shoe insoles on their Tuf path finders?
We didn’t have bottle banks. Instead we had Wilf the Rag ‘n’ Bone.
We had a designated smoking area. It was called the cinema.
Kids today think a ‘hand-me-down’ is assistance to climb off a white knuckle ride.
We made kits and planes that flew. An x-box then was where my dad used to sign to vote on polling day.
The only smoothie maker we had was the dog when it threw up on the carpet.
Sanitary towels were a cross between a housebrick and naval hammock.
PMT was not invented and babies were born if there was time to, while blacking the stove first..
Kids didn’t text. They wrote with joined up writing made with nibs and ink and with correct spelling and grammar.
We said the Lords prayer at the start of the day.
A persistent truant was not just expelled but sent to borstal.
We learned Latin and Greek.
We read from the front of the class.
We sat in the dunces corner.
We knew how to make plaster of Paris.
We knew how to double dig, use a forge, and chisel wood.
We worked out sums and never had seen a calculator.
We mended our own punctures on our bike.
We made soapbox carts.
We went sticklebackfishing and built dens.
We collected butterflies.
Kids didn’t have allergies. They just had lots of snot and wall to wall acne.
If the world used more Germelene there would be less hooliganism.
It's not the climate that needs to change it's our consumerism.
As a child, if we couldn’t afford shampoo, we washed our hair in handsoap in a tin bath in front of the fire.
If we ran out of coal we wore a coat indoors.
If they cut off the electric we used candles.
Football games were trouble free.
A larder was a cupboard used as a fridge with marble or concrete slab and a mesh fly screen.
The coalman and dustmen used to come into your back garden to do the job.
The local bobby used to clip your ear.
The local vicar came to see you on Sundays.