This week: CONFUSION
I’m confused! I can’t see why ‘tranny’ stand-up comic and marathon shortarse Eddie Izzard is going into politics? Should I believe anyone who can’t make up his mind if he’s a bird or a bloke? Dan Nappub
Dr F: Womenly people have the vote now. If they can’t decide who to vote for at the polling booths they can put their ‘X’ on a Habitat paint colour chart. ‘Apricot sunset and diffused tigers eye jade with hint of autumn forest buttercup and a tone of pink blancmange’ looks a winner for this election I must say.
I’m confused. I accidentally invited an arsonist to a housewarming. My house was razed to the ground but the sausage rolls were cooked to perfection. Daphne Maybe
Dr F: Stop whining! Your kids were pulled from the flames unharmed. It could have been far worse. Father O’Leary had come around wanting to play with children for half an hour.
I’ll teach you to call me a ‘kiddy fiddler’. Father O’Leary
Dr F: No need! The Pope already did that for you. The Roman Catholic Church is in an uproar. Talk about ‘mass’ hysteria. What, you still don’t believe me? I went to confession and the priest told me everything about exactly what’s going on inside your cassocks. He revealed to me in secret what kind of abuse we are talking about. And apart from his nicotine stained fingers and whisky on his breath I can’t wait until next Sunday.
I’m a ‘Spook’ and keen horticulturalist. I’ve started to talk to my plants like Prince Charles. Now all my runner beans know classified secrets about MI5 operations. Should I re-pot them and never let them out of my greenhouse? Cole Dwarr
Dr F: Yes, beans talk and corn have ears. We especially don’t want any leeks. You know the drill.
I am confused. As a chav I have always loved my shellsuit and now I have had to exchange it with trousers saying ‘FukkUgly Slut’ on the arse. Fashion hasn’t been the same since the overnight disappearance of light up trainers. Sharon Afag
Dr F: Humpty Dumpty was the first person to wear a shellsuit and look what happened to that fat bastard! People who still wear light up trainers are so poor that they put them inside the washing machine for an exciting sensory display while the TV detector van lurks outside their house.
It’s the last time I invite you to my lodge. The brotherhood do not appreciate ‘The Grunty Fen allotments association Chippendales Tribute to the Full Monty” at inaugural dinners. Don’t forget I have friends in high places. Ike Cannablivvit
Dr F: I know. Your window cleaner's crap. He should be called “Porthole Pete.” He cuts more corners than the Stig. I’ve been in submarines with a clearer view. I told him vinegar and newspaper is an effective method to clean glazing but the twat left the chips in last time.
I asked you to open a local school and told you that for security reasons badges must be worn. You turned up with a badger on your head. When you cut the ribbon you looked like Davy Crockett on a ‘bad hair day’. Pierce Take
Dr F: It was a bit windy, so I used hairspray on my new roadkill hat. It did the trick! Soon it was a badger set. I think I wore it back to front because his balls kept knocking my glasses off.
I hate badgers. Last night I had to chase one off my garden in my pyjamas. Major Look
Dr F: Well you have a spare pair, don’t you?
I’m Chinese. Whenever I’m confused I just keep smiling. It makes other people wonder what I’m up to. I always smile during oral sex too, which seems to always cheer people up. Nikki Nakki Noo
Dr F: I’m glad you are taking this all on the chin.
The weather is confusing. The weather girl promised me a damp patch after a settled period. Consequently the reverse happened, meaning I had to go to Tescos for something to sponge the sofa off with. Walter Ansoap
Dr F: Meteorologists are a cross between high pressure salespeople leaving me with a slight depression.
Yes, I agree! Its ‘raining cats and dogs’. Do you know that phrase came from a time in medieval London? There were no drains or sewers and when it rained heavily the roads and streets would flood so badly, that when the water did eventually subside, some cats and dogs would lay dead from drowning ... making it look like they fell from the sky. Lil Knowall
Dr F: I do wonder why I keep stepping in poodles.
I’m confused. So I went to confused.com. I ended up comparing the market.com now I don’t know what to do. Is it true there is nothing to compare to a comparison website? I used to have a bloke come around once a year to re-new our insurances. It was about 10 minutes over a cup of tea. Now I have to lose the feeling in my arse when updating my details on a computer. Jess Googleitt
Dr F: Calm down dear! It's not that unusual for an insurance man to slip it up the wrong ‘un in order for you to get the best premium. How do you think I got such a good deal on my pet insurance?
I’m confused Dr Who looks about 12! He reminds me of a lifeguard at my local pool but with more acne and who is expected to give me CPR when I drown or have a heart attack. Needless to say, I will not want any teenager with pus coming out of their bodies trying to give me the kiss of life. What if they haven’t cleaned their retainer thoroughly? Ann Gina
Dr F: I am not a time lord but being a Doctor, too, I can assure you that we have a lot in common. I turn up when I feel like it. I have a different girlfriend every now and then. I believe I’m a lot younger than I look. Like Billie Piper, I left Chris Evans because he can’t handle his drink and he has to get up too early. Half my patients are alien abductees. Most mornings my surgery looks like a bar scene in Babylon 5.
I have much bigger challenges than Dr Who. Can he conduct open heart surgery while trying to watch the test cricket? I don’t think so. Why do you think Daleks speak like that? Because the lazy shapeshifting twat doesn’t know strep throat from tonsillitis, that’s why! Like him, I choose who deserves to live or die according to the risks. For example: Can they afford to sue me? Are they good looking with big tits? Whose round is it? Does your mum know where you are? Is that right you want to be a model? Do you know you are the sexiest traffic warden I have ever met? I thought this phone line was ‘One Minute Relief Guaranteed’ I was done in 13 seconds (a personal best) so can I have my money back.....?