I have a very sore penis after an electric pencil sharpening accident. Why should genitals have to be at table height putting them in harms way? Justin Barely
Dr F: Think about that next time you have random erections during a creative writing course. Try life drawing classes and you might blend in a bit if the quilted maggot makes a bid for freedom.
Thank you for attending my pottery sessions. Have you got a handle on my jugs yet? Shaz Yabristols
Dr F: The only pot I have done before involved a lot of giggling and four family size bags of Doritoes. As for your jugs they look better glazed. Pass the Johnsons baby oil.
I went to your “How to make Nukes” chemistry course at the local village hall and was exposed to four tons of depleted uranium. I feel very sick and have the shits and my stools glow in the dark. Pluto Nium
Dr F: Don’t worry its just Atomic Ache
I bought an automatic car off you. It only drives during the day. The ‘D’ for ‘Day mode’ is fine. When I put it the ‘N’ position for ‘nightdriving’ it refuses to budge. The ‘R’ for race mode just made me hit the car behind.. What a piece of crap. Dolly Dimple
Dr F: If your IQ was any lower you would trip over it.
What great sex we had last night, Doctor. It was like plunging into a ripe peach. Nick Terrine
Dr F: Your wife is attractive but as you say she is like a peach. Needs a shave and has a heart of stone.
I’m Pastor Sellbydate from the “Out to Pasture” Grunty Fen Organic cemetery. You were caught wandering around at night with a shovel totally disorientated and confused. Why ? P.S
Dr F: Apologies. I’d lost the plot.
Sorry I missed my appointment. I was stopped by a terrific jam. It’s made from the dew of edelweiss growing in Yak dung and saliva of Puerto Rican mocking birds flavoured with the toe-grit of Galapagos monitor lizards all boiled with wild forest fruits on the slopes of the Monchique mountains of the Algarve and then when close to ripening flown to the The Great Pyramids to be pressed through Egyptian linen into vats made from 3000 year old Lebanese cedar and poured into jars crafted from Welsh glassblowers who have muff-dived Polish milkmaids just minutes before. Then, after tasting it, I thought , actually, I prefer Marmite on me toast. Daff Mare
Dr F: Missing appointments is bad enough but missing the point is quite another.
I have rust on my scrotum due to lack of use. Can you suggest any medical treatment? Caesar Day
Dr F: Of course. A tetanus shot for both you and your wife. Lockjaw is painful especially halfway through a BJ.
I take regular exercise. I’m going to outlive you YOU BASTARD! Hurrah! Ivor Benchpress
Dr F: Not likely chum. Your heart is only good enough for so many beats. Yours will wear out quicker than mine because by taking a nap I can protect my heart from overworking it. Why do you think people who volunteer for cryogenics can live forever? Suspended animation is the secret to longevity. Or in other words doing as little as possible. I like running up a tab but that’s enough exercise for a lifetime.
I bought some bird seed but try as I may I have not managed to grow any birds? Why? Harry Arse
Dr F: I’m a bit of ‘twitcher’ as far as it goes. At first I thought it was a nervous tick or a petit mal which was hardly fitting but then I got some binoculars. I can see as many birds as I like. Especially, at the Grunty Fen Nubility and Noknickers All Girls Sixth Form College on ‘Trampoline Tuesdays.’
You made me take an x-ray when you didn’t even have an x-ray machine. It’s a good job I can see right through anyway. Why did you insist I wear lingerie for this procedure? Hope Knott
Dr F: It’s a see thru nightie making my job far easier. Ok, we don’t have an x-ray department but in your case it's what's inside you that counts, so just pretend it's a gherkin.
I’m a vulture and I’ve got a bone to pick with you. Your supervisor drank my urine sample! Pierce Flapps
Dr F: It’s OK, your specimen has already been passed by the management.
My hair is falling out. Is there nothing I can try to keep it in? Al Apeesha
Dr F: A shoebox?
I’m 89 years old. You have got me pregnant after joining our conga line at the “Home of the Large Print editions..” At my age I’m not so sure I want be a mother again, but on the bright side, it will be a bit of company and somebody to do cross stitch with.
Dr F: I’m not having my child grow up with a terminally ill old bint like you. I want it to have the best start in life. A local family of otters are going to foster our child until it can swim and fish for itself. It will be a baby worth wading for.
After an appointment with you I feel like blowing my brains out. Shirley Knott
Dr F: Go ahead you have nothing to lose.
I’m a pixie. I’m also romantic for a vertically challenged fantasy figure.Where can I find a good goblin? Fairy Nuff
Dr F: Just pop behind the screen and pop your foil, glitter and gauze off for me will you?