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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - More death

Why do they advertise guarantees on caskets? Who is going to unearth it just to check for defects? (Contributed by The Vent on
Dr F. Exhuming coffins for DNA evidence to do with foul play may depend on how well preserved the corpse is. A coffin ‘guarantee’ is worth its weight in mould.

If you don't die from it, is it healthy? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. Yes, unless you have been murdered.

If there's Life after Death are we going to die or have we died already? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. Good question. Remember, eternal life is for procrastinators.

Why is it that everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die? (Contributed by Harry Hewlett)
Dr F. Lots of people want to be famous but that doesn’t stop them committing suicide.

Is it possible that we are dead now and this is supposed to be the better ‘after life’?
(Contributed by Madelynn)
Dr F. If you can’t tell the difference why not enter the ‘Guinness Book of Records’ for motionlessness.

Why do we call dead people 'late'? It isn't their fault that they aren't there on time. They're dead, aren't they? (Contributed by Launia)
Dr F. Dead people will never turn up. Apart from their toes, that is.

When people burst into flames by spontaneous combustion, do they die from being fried or from lack of oxygen?
(Contributed by Lacey)
Dr F. It’s just something that happens in the heat of the moment.

Why do people say they are working themselves into an early grave? Is there such a thing as a late grave? Who has ever been in a late grave? (Contributed by Lacey)
Dr F. Some people will always be late for their own funeral.

Is it true that your fingernails keep growing after you're dead? If so, exactly how long do they grow? If you dig someone up 50 years later, will you find a box full of
(Contributed by Miz Bin)
Dr F. It’s hard to put a finger on it.

When nudists die, do they get buried in clothes? (Contributed by The Vent on
Dr F. It is common practise to commit suicide in the nude to save shitting in a perfectly good pair of trousers.

Why do people want to achieve immortality through their work? Wouldn't it be better to achieve it through not dying? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)
Dr F. Many artists die without any recognition whatsoever. Especially, if they were badly beaten up first.

Is an ‘estate’, an internet government? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)
Dr F. No, it’s usually a Volvo.

Wasn't the moment you were born, the same moment that you started to die?
(Contributed by JEB)
Dr F. This is the principle of entropy. The fact that all around us is dying. How can life
spring from death? Just look at Ozzy Osbourne.

Why do they play bagpipes at police funerals? (Contributed by Cecil)
Dr F. Because, breathalysers don’t make any noise.

Shouldn't everybody's goal in life be to die young, but at a very old age? (Contributed by Erica)
Dr F. You are ‘only as young as you feel’. So die, when your arse looks like
a bulldogs neck.

Before the word 'die' was invented, what did people say when someone went to Heaven? (Contributed by Valerie)
Dr F. People cannot bring themselves to say ‘die’, in fact, some people never say ‘die’.

How can you ‘turn in your grave’, especially if you were cremated? (Contributed by Janis G.)
Dr F. People ‘turn in their grave’ because of the bad things living people do. Or they are just bored with the view.

If you're scared to death, will it say that on the Death Certificate? (Contributed by Jim Adams)
Dr F. Not if your shoes are killing you.


see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward