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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
affidavits
by
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week: DENTISTRY

You fiend. My gums are in ribbons. Ivor Jawache

Dr F: Whose birthday is it?

As a dentist you should know the drill. Instead, you ran out of amalgam and used a popular brand of fast setting household resin glue for fixing ceramics wood or metal. Now I have nothing to mend my tea mug with. Harold Dite

Dr F: You are too stuck for me!

You removed the plaque. Now you don’t have a sign over the door. Sian Yabefore

Dr F: Your dentures need refitting. You stop talking long before they do.

I broke a tooth on an egg and cress sandwich. Call yourself a dentist? Lil Gap

Dr F: It was the wrong kind of filling.

I am 93 and its about time my dentures came back from repair. You sent them away in 1977! Nadine Support

Dr F: Damn the postal system. Mind you, I think your blowjobs are better off without them.

You spent two hours exploring a leaking canal how about a glimpse in my mouth?  Tina Tuna

Dr F: Thats punting for you. I have fitted a drain. It won’t stop your toothache but do a power of good for your incontinence.

You put me under and I awoke to find my blouse buttons undone. Sorry about that. I must have been in too much of a rush getting ready this morning. Strange, I’m sure I wasn’t wearing this pearl necklace when I came in either! Betty Diddit

Dr F: I’d like to thank you for coming but I can’t because you were asleep and I only had few minutes before the anaesthetic wore off.

I hate these sunglasses. Why can’t I have a pair like my brothers? Arthur Crown

Dr F: Who dressed you this morning - Stevie Wonder? If you are supposed to be a slave to fashion I hope you stay in exile. I’ve seen more imaginative apparel in Guantanamo bay.

I can’t afford £4000 for a bridge!  I will just have to swim for it. Fred So

Dr F: I see. It’s a bridge too far. I have a solution. Put these candy false teeth in. They are very realistic and only 90p a quarter. Just clean with candy floss.

I want a Hollywood smile. How can I whiten my teeth and not break the bank? Moira Less

Dr F: OK. I need to organise a retainer for you too. Lets call it £300 now and the rest before the banks shut. Hand  me that Tippex will you?

You put a cap on my tooth when I specifically asked for a deerstalker? Nettie Azzafrootcake

Dr F: That was a biting remark. Next time you want something in dogtooth see a vet.

I’m worried about you using farming implements to fix my teeth. I’m sure dentists these days use smaller equipment? Dotty Azzadalmation

Dr  F: I’m more traditional. Technology these days has reduced dental equipment to infinitely tiny sizes. Let me ask you. Do you want my big tool in your mouth or one of the other dentists?

That sounds to me like you favour double entendres! Jess Tippical

Dr F: I’ll stick with a JD and coke thanks.

Because of a bad toothache I have accidentally just reversed my truck over a small dog in the surgery carparkTed Toawall

DR F: My pup runneth over.

I’m waiting for you to descale my teeth. I have eczema so can  you do my elbows too. Claude Epidermis

Dr F: Not anymore. Health and safety issue. Last time the shavings got misdirected to the canteen and  mistaken for parmesan mixed with red Leicester.

Impostor! You a dentist?  My foot. Chic Keefecker
Dr F: No that would be the podiatrist next door.

I am the unluckiest circus performer. I broke my neck missing a trapeze. I fire ate and burnt my lips off. I have gangrene of the arm because I had to give an elephant an enema and it got infected through a bad cut I got knife-throwing. Should I start looking for another job? Colin Innsikk

Dr F: What..and give up showbiz?

You dropped a pipe down my throat and vacuumed my entire intestines. I paid four quid for that jacket potato. Titus Feck

Dr F: Thanks to you I have no dental assistant. After losing my suction pipe down your gullet I had to remove the old bag.

How big is my cavity and do you want me to open wide? Sharon Afagg

Dr F: It makes the Grand Canyon look like a crack in a care-home teapot. Lets take a look at your teeth another time. I’m going in.

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