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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Diet

If you ate your own foot would you lose weight? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Foot in mouth disease was invented by Tony Blair. People often eat their words and stay skinny. So humble pie is good for the figure.

Why do people who eat natural foods die from natural causes? (Contributed by Allen K.)

Dr F. You are what you eat. Look at waist conscious human vampires? They look like they need a good steak inside them.

Is it an accident that stressed spelled backward is desserts? (Contributed by Karen Ranney)

Dr F. Good show for that one. It depends if you are a trifle stressed or not.

Why is it that when people go on a diet the first thing they lose is their patience? (Contributed by Jim Moore Jr.)

Dr F. I have never lost any patients. Do you like being told by a Doctor you are clinically obese? Just throw up on his desk.

Why are people blessed with fat storing/survivalist genes cursed to know that when ‘The Famine’ actually happens and they do get down to that size 8 no one will be left to notice? (Contributed by John Lucas)

Dr F. The rest of us will eat that person before this happens.

If you weighed 200 pounds and then went on a crash diet and lost 100 pounds but retained the same muscles, would you be considered stronger? (Contributed by Kate and Coral)

Dr F. Not really. You are still a fat cunt with fuck all to shout about.

How much Healthy Choice ice cream can you eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? (Contributed by Rodney & Cathy's Joke List)

Dr F. Americans eat as much as four Koreans. No wonder they are fat and bomb their own soldiers.

Isn't dieting just wishful shrinking? (Contributed by Herman)

Dr F. Nice wordplay. Think thin. Imagine shagging Joan Rivers and it will put you off food for life.

Isn't a diet just a selection of food that makes other people lose weight? (Contributed by Herman)

Dr F. Eating can only make you lose wait if you prepare all your food in public lavatories at Greek airports.

Didn't you know that you can't lose weight by talking about it? You have to keep yourmouth shut, don't you? (Contributed by Nancy Carson)

Dr F. It is a fat fact that people who talk too much end up eating too much. Look at Michael Winner.

Why do the weigh scales in doctor's offices always read more than your home scale?(Contributed by Thomas Rowe)

Dr F. You rarely get weighed naked after a bonehead haircut, emptying your bladder andbowels by contracting Typhus, and then resting your tongue on the windowsill at your Doctors office.

When you're on a diet, do postage stamps taste good? (Contributed by UGA)

Dr F. Apparently, you can’t lick ‘em.

If you drink Slim Fast while eating a doughnut, will you still lose weight? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr F. Yes. If you have to get the do-nut off the top of Mount Rushmore.

If you eat your way through stress, will that put all your problems behind you? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr F. Getting fat may mean getting closer to your friends.

Are sweets the destiny that shapes our ends? (Contributed by Coop)

Dr F. That’s the top and bottom of it.

Have you ever wondered why the same candy bar that rots a child's teeth is a wonderful source of quick energy for adults? (Contributed by

Dr F. Kids have two sets of teeth to ruin and old people with dentures have enough on their plate.

Why do the nutrition charts always list dried beans as having iron, but not fresh beans? How does the iron get in the dried beans if it is not in the fresh beans to start with? (Contributed by Nancy)

Dr F. Pressing clothes with no iron to hand can be bothersome. Have you tried looking in the laundry for it?


see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap