This week - Dogs
“Surely, outside of a dog a ‘Mans Best Friend’ is a good book ?” Ella Mentree
Dr Farquar says: Probably. Lets face it, inside is too dark and cramped to read.
“If you cross a Pitbull with a Collie will it bite your leg off and then run for help?” Ed Banger
Dr F: I went to a pub in Stow-On the-Wold and it had a sign on the door. “Dogs allowed but only if their humans behave.” How nice to see a dog friendly Pub! The only problem was that the pub was riddled with termites and woodworm. So I asked a customer “Is the bar tender here?”
“Cult 80’s comeback band Duran Duran had a hit, “Hungry like a wolf.” Surely, if they had spent more time in the kitchen cooking instead of writing a song about hunger they could have prevented this?” Carly Sandwich
Dr F: How can you trust a lead singer who is named after a sherbet sweet? Mind you, he also wrote a lyric “This is planet earth” so you can’t get much past him can you?
“How can I stop my dog from vomiting on the Axminster? I tried to hoover it up with my Dyson but who wants to see feckin’ vomit spinning around at 3000 revs a minute? It’s a Schnauzer but can’t speak German either.” Kirsten Swore
Dr F: You can try whispering “Glue factory” in its ear first. If that fails, put an ad in your paper. “Dog found. Responds to the name “Stay”. Better be a reward.” If this doesn’t work either, why not make ‘a dog drink’. Simply use a small amount of sedative, a series of sharp instruments, a power saw and a blender. As a last resort if your dog is too heavy and making your arms ache you may have to put him down.
“What’s a Shitsu?” Phyliss Dick
Dr F: A Zoo with no animals.
“Why is it when I arrange a cocktail party it seems to be an invitation for my dog to try and hump all the guests and lick its genitals after the cucumber sandwiches with relish?” Carey Abag
Dr F: Next time change the wording on the invite card.
“Is it true you can get a Bulldog to breed with a Shitsu and make Bullshit?” Dean Nowt
Dr F: Who writes your material? Get another agent. I know all about dog breeds. Read the following:
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a dog bred using a Pyrex No 9 bowl and male hair dressing products
Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, an indiscreet dog that barks incessantly up the wrong tree
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by...oh well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Field Spaniel+ Whippet
FieldWhip. A sadomasochistic dog.
Schnauzer + Lurcher
Schnaulurch. A drunk dog
German Shepherd + Cocker spaniel
Germancock. A dog looking like Adolf Hitler
Mastiff + Cocker Spaniel
Mastiffcock. A dog with a permanent erection.
Chihuahua + Chow Chow
ChihuahuaChowChow. A dog with a speech impediment.
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel + Bulldog
Cavvybull. A cavalier with a round head.
Chinook + Chow Chow
ChinookyChow A sex obsessed dog that, during mating, sounds like a twin rotar helicopter starting up.
Dachshund + Retriever
Dachshundretrieve A rapid and obedient dog
Dachshund + Foxhound
DachshundFox A rapid and randy dog
Gordon Setter + Great Pyrenese
Gordon The Great. A vain dog with nice legs called Gordon. Who knows what the dog is called though.
Welsh Corgi + Plummer terrier
Corgiplummer. Corgi registered and spends all afternoon charging you £60 an hour for something he can’t find in the back of the van.
Saluki + Doberman
SalukiDob.A dog that looks a cross between a Japanese motorbike and that short fat squeaky bloke off Sergeant Bilko.
Old English Sheepdog + Old Danish Chicken Dog
Sheepchick. A dog with too much hair in its eyes and advanced Alzheimer’s who thinks he’s a tin of paint and spends all day digging up the garden looking for a chicken bone he never buried there in the first place.
Gollie + White German Shepherd +Jack Russell + Cocker Spaniel
Go-white Jackson Shepherd. A breed of snow white appearance with an unusual nose and an uncanny resemblance to Motown chartbusting celebrity Diana Ross 10 years after her future death. Not to be trusted around children. Wears mask when out. More famous for being attacked at an award ceremony a few years ago when “Jarvis” the Cocker leapt onto the stage to confront the Go-white Jackson Shepherd. Jarvis, wiry and untamed, saw the Go-white then do an impression of a tree and tried to piss up him as an attempt to protect some small human youngsters that had strayed too near his over-affectionate claws, saving the vulnerable kids from a choice of hanging around a fairground to do drugs and alcohol or invited to share his basket after the show for a sleepover with some enticing treats and a bone or two.
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: