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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Extra Terrestials

Why do all the female aliens in Star Trek have two arms two legs and an urgent need to grasp at the concept that we humans call 'Love'? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: Well, my Aunt Phyliss claims to have been abducted by aliens and that she was ‘interfered with’ with very long tentacles. The aliens proceeded to inflict a variety of surgical experiments on her and then she became impregnated. She still thinks her experience was far better than anything you can get on the NHS.

In all the space movies created so far when the aliens ask us where we are from why do they all know where Earth is? Is the word 'Earth' not an English word but rather a word originating from the bowels of the universe? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr Farquar comments: I don’t know what planet you are on. I imagine if for instance a female alien came to earth and fell in love with a petrol pump she would wonder how earthlings can wrap their dicks around their body twice and then stick it in their left ear.

Star Wars starts 'A long time ago in a galaxy far away . . .' yet everything is so futuristic. How come? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar comments: Yes, William Shatner does look ancient. He’s been around the block a few times and now sells multigrain breakfasts on UK TV. You will have to wait for his next cereal.

Why is it that on Star Trek all the aliens encountered from many different galaxies all speak English yet on Earth most people do not? (Contributed by Jonathan Arena)

Dr Farquar comments: Watch Big Brother and get an idea of what aliens think of our use of the English language. When they see us have sex I bet they wonder what all the hurry was for at the finish?

In Star Wars how can Chewbacca perfectly understand English but only speak in his own dialect? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar comments: So he can sound like Jamie Oliver.

Why in Sci-Fi movies do space ships all have the same orientation? You never see two ships meet in the vastness of space with one appearing upside down to the other do you? How do they know which way is up? (Contributed by Ed Ernest)

Dr Farquar comments: Simple physics. Have you ever tried to have a shit upside down? Or, if you could…would you see Klingons coming from behind…. at that angle?

They have a Space Odyssey 2000 but does anyone remember a Space Odyssey 1000? (Contributed by MsBullet)

Dr Farquar comments: They still had corn circles back then. Today they call them Cheerios. Back here on Earth that in 1009ad Muslims destroyed Jerusalem . No change there then.

If maximum velocity in Star Wars was hyperspace and in Star Trek it was warp speed does anyone know which one was the fastest? (Contributed by Zippy)

Dr Farquar comments: The Enterprise was slower. When it travels at the speed of light its headlights still work.

Given an infinite number of geeks in an infinite number of Star Trek conventions would there be at least one life? (Contributed by Chris White)

Dr Farquar comments: Yes. But not as we know it.

If the original Star Trek is set in the 23rd century why do they still use push-buttons and toggle-switches on the control panels? (Contributed by Randy van der Woning)

Dr Farquar comments: Touch-screen is so last year! Special effects never match the movie environment for a reason. Look at oldies like ‘Mad Max’ where cars are made to look positively Heath Robinson? What about Kevin Costners dishevelled catamaran in ‘Waterworld’? It was a feckin’ death trap and made out of a load of old kitchen implements. Science fiction is not governed by any cool fashion. Luke Skywalker in the first Star Wars wore Velcro but it had only been patented the year before. Now any adult with learning difficulties can wear it with pride. Spock’s pointy sideburns inspired earth stars like Midge Ure and ‘Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in the Dark’ of the eighties ‘New Romance’ fame. Why is that ‘whishing’ sound on the doors made to sound like the cabins on the Enterprise are pressurised? Because it was a sound effect made by Sutu doing very subtle oriental farts. Look at his face. He is always mustering a quack. The ‘Transporter room’ ‘beaming’ effects were easy to replicate by throwing play glitter over each other and then being dropped through a hatch in the floor, Paul Daniels style. The ‘cloaking device’ was a giant black velvet shawl, borrowed from NASA and thrown over the Starship and to simulate a transparent effect tin foil covered dustbin lids were stuck at intervals over the ship by hundreds of astronauts tethered to the bulkhead/hull/fuselage/thingy. ‘Fasers’ were just supermarket labelling guns left on ‘stun’ or allowed to run out of ink and render you harmless. Remember ….‘Bones’ had a ‘scanning pen’ for scanning casualties in the sickbay? Really it was just a rechargeable soldering iron with LED display. When hot it was sure to find your vital signs.

Well….It’s not exactly rocket science, is it?

Why do only the guys in red shirts get killed on Star Trek? (Contributed by Randy van der Woning)

Dr Farquar comments: Didn’t you see the World Cup?

On the Starship Enterprise when nobody is around do they all swivel around on their chairs? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr Farquar comments: As a pubescent I longed for Aurora to swivel around in her chair because she always had a skirt on to keep her neck warm and I hoped I might get a glimpse of a black hole.

If Picard had a tribble would he use it for a hairpiece? (Contributed by Robert Thornton)

Dr Farquar comments: He always looks like his face is travelling at warp factor 10. Before he was bald I bet his Mum used to make him wear very tight pigtails.

Why do the ships make noises in space movies? If there is no air, how is the sound suppose to travel? (Contributed by Algoma)

Dr Farquars comments: You mean like….If a tree fell in the forest and you weren’t at car boot sale and a star was born by a Vauxhall Supernova Nebulus would it make a sound? Good question. I doubt anybody can hear me break wind at the Annual Medical Conference but every fucker seems to know its me.

If Luke Skywalker was a surgeon, would Obi Wan always be telling him to use the forceps? (Contributed by Larry Hollister)

Dr Farquar comments: What would you use to get Luke out of that bloody jacket? Who is his tailor….Stevie Wonder? James Kirk looks like his top was put on a boilwash cycle too! What twat does their laundry? Put him in the Brig.

Why don't Wookies wear any clothes? (Contributed by Bryan Connolly)

Dr Farquars comments: Because of the bloke who does the laundry (see above). Even on Earth we have a parallel universe for the other sock. If Scotty was in charge of laundry there would be no problem. “I need more Powder Captain.”

Why didn't the Starship Enterprise have seat belts to keep the crew from being thrown about so much? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar Comments: The only thing in this century that resembles the Starship Enterprise sounding like it has reached warp speed is the tube from Hammersmith to Leicester Square and all you have in there is your arse to hang onto.

How could ET phone home if he doesn't have phones on his planet? (Contributed by The Pink Gorilla Girl)

Dr Farquar comments: I bet they have NTL though. You spend hours talking to a robot from the planet Scrotum who sends you a bill that is out of this world making you feel like nothing on earth.

What would happen in a battle between a U.S.S.Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Storm Troopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? (Contributed by The Duke of Endor)

Dr Farquar comments: The Lebanon.

If Yoda is so smart, then why hasn't he done something about his speech impediment? (Contributed by Graham)

Dr Farquar comments: Speech therapists will only try to put words in your mouth.

How come Daleks have a gun in one arm and a plunger on the other? Does this mean plumbers are evil? (Contributed by Mike)

Dr Farquar comments: Yes. At least Daleks don’t charge you six hours labour for something they can’t find in the back of their van.

Why didn't anyone ever need the toilet on the Starship Enterprise? (Contributed by Serra Duchi)

Dr Farquar comments: Try the poop deck. If you were constantly under attack by space invaders you would probably be too busy shitting yourself to worry about getting to a toilet. On the other hand do we want to see Scotty lay a cable in every episode? “I need more paper Captain.”

How come, in the movies, no matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged? (Contributed by Steve)

Dr Farquar comments: Next time you use Easy Jet. Try this. Sellotape large amounts of your kids Playdoh to your chest and announce at 30,000 feet you want a cigarette. Use a click biro in one hand to act as a detonator and strip to the waist while standing in the aisle. This will bring everybody down to earth.

Why did the Federation sign a treaty with the Romulans that forbids the Federation from developing a cloaking device, but does not forbid the Romulans from using them? (Contributed by Marz)

Dr Farquar comments: Because they are right bastards.

Why do Klingons look nearly human in the 1960s but in the 1980s they look ugly? Does this imply that Klingons evolve really fast? (Contributed by Marz)

Dr Farquar comments: Because they are right bastards.

Since time travel is possible in Star Trek, why didn't they use time travel to prevent problems? (Contributed by Marz)

Dr Farquar comments: The only time there is a reference to ‘time’ is when James T Kirk writes in his log and I don’t know what kind of bloody watch he uses but it was probably bought from the planet Argos .

Why does the Federation allow crew member's families to live on star ships, when the other races do not? Doesn't that put Star Fleet at a disadvantage? (Contributed by Marz)

Dr Farquar comments: Officers have their wives along to keep an eye on them. Captain Kirk is randy. He always gets the girl. I wouldn’t want my wife alone on the bridge with him. That chair he sits on has a button for aromatherapy massage and has many rippled surfaces. “Kirk Out” means “Roger and Out”.

How can Vulcans be the most logical beings in the Universe? (Contributed by Marz)

Dr Farquar comments: You can talk with those ears.


see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life