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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Expressions

What is meant by “Don’t change your horse midstream” and will I be arrested for urinating in a public place? (Nelly Molegrips)

Dr Farquar says: Jeepers! What a fix to get in without a catheter in sight. It's difficult for women to do anything ‘midstream’. So never conduct a pregnancy test side-saddle.

Thet saying that goes “He is Every Inch a Gentleman” is true because I’m a porn star who has much more to offer than most other guys. (Danny Gigglestick)

Dr Fs: Great Caesars Tits! I examined you only the other day after you complained of having rust on your expansion pack. Regrettable I know, but as luck would have it your ‘skin-flick’ career is over. You have a rare condition known as ‘Bendygristlelitis-on-the-Isle’. From now on the only ‘stiffener’ you will experience is a drink at the bar while I plump my pillow for the next scene posing as an erotic Doctor who has arms and legs everywhere with batteries included.

What nonsense! It took my mother 37 years to find out I am a deaf mute and you told her that nothing could be done. In my left ear I was deaf and in my right ear I couldn’t hear bugger all either. I got a second opinion and had my ears syringed by Nurse Hickey. Granted the debris extricated required the local council to bring a skip but now I can hear as clear as crystal. Whats the matter now? “Has the Cat got your Tongue”? (Achmed Guzunder)

Dr Fs : I don’t allow my cat to eat anything that has been in other peoples mouths.

Don’t you know “Coughs and Sneezes Spread Diseases”? No wonder all the pages of your magazines in the surgery are stuck together. I struggled to read an article on “Indigenous Peoples” in an issue of “Call of the Wild Steve Irwin Style”- By Claude Scrote” and there was already a sticky version of a half-cultured civilisation still breeding in the middle of the staples. (Tiffany Linctus)

Dr F: Well “Spank Me with a Variety of Cooking Utensils and Pass the French Dressing!” You are incorrigible and nothing but a self styled hypochondriac. What I call a “New Age Fringey Fruity Loopy Loon Lick the Haddock Pastie”. I have tried drugs and scans and other wiz-bang gadgetry to find something wrong with you. All that came up from your results were “Zero.. Zero Feck-all Blank.” It is my professional opinion you just enjoy being a miserable sod. You are never happier than “Huffing Puffing and Hand-Wringing” so until your own suicide.. remember.. “Time Flies When You Are Having Fun.”

Since you operated on my veruca its gone as “Black as Newgate Knocker”. Are there any other doors open to me? (Barry Bazooka)

Dr F: Never fear,something's a foot. You allude to this famous saying referring of course to the very formidable knocker on the Old City of London Newgate Prison and coined in 1881. It also refers to the fashion at the time of women wearing a heavy black kiss curl in the front of their foreheads or a “Newgate Knocker”. I believe that this is a sadly much dated phrase and I have decided to replace it with “Blacker than a Lorryload of Arseholes”. Who needs knockers hanging down in front of your eyes anyway?

How can the saying be “Guinness is good for you”? I had twelve of them last night and the floor came up and hit me in the face while the pub lavvie looked like a scene from the Iconic James Dean film “Giant” with lumps of straw added. Please help. (Michael Lummux)

Dr F: Gods Velvet Thatch! You “Great Thundering Philistine with Itchy Bits”. It's better than a Barium meal. In your native country of Limerick by the Lichen such utterances are regarded as subhuman and anarchic. You speak of course of the beloved Shamrock adorned and Foamy “Food of the Gods”. The “Inebriates Nectar”. The “Molasses of the Masses”. The “Lust of the Leprechaun” (who incidentally because they are ‘vertically challenged’ like to “Go on the Shorts” sooner.) What gives you the right to malign this “Finest Goblet of Black Gold? Mind you, it must be said I prefer “Macheson with a Splash of Malibu” and it still “Lets you Know what your Arse is for in the Morning.”

Since I paid your bill for evacuating my bowels with chopsticks at £70 an hour “I Haven’t got Two Farthings to Rub Together”. (Sharon Shemozzle)

Dr F: “ By The Egg On My Waxed Moustache” and more improvised mild oaths… You didn’t complain when I rubbed your ‘Thruppenny Bits’ together did you?

Your advice is “Not Worth a Two Bob Fart in a Bottle”? (Mildred Bedstead)

Dr F: You “Jeremiah- Mongering Jizzbucket!” I can answer this “Quicker than a Blue Arsed Baboon on Barbiturates who forgot he gave his Loafers to a Cow Snorting Charlie through a Musket.” But instead.. I’m off for a “Sniff of the Barmaids Apron” as it's ‘Lady’s Night’ and I have a ‘Rag on every Bush” to find “The Best Piece of Ass that Ever Strode a Pot and Pee between Two Heels” and all because you have a face like a “Twisted Sandshoe”. So, talking of farts why don’t you do your GP a favour and ………..“Go Float an Air-Biscuit” because if your brain were flatulence it… “Couldn’t Power a Fleas Motorcycle Around the Inside of a Cheerio.”

see also Dr Farquar-Smith on:

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