week: Fruit and Veg
I enjoy the recommended five fruits or vegetables every day. Sometimes I even eat them. Gwen Upp
Dr F. I bet they taste better too. When I served in Angola as a mercenary medic, my platoon leader and I were captured by cannibals. In order not to be eaten alive we had to prove our courage to the chieftain. We were asked to go into a mudhut on our own and choose a fruit from a bowl. I chose a strawberry. The Chieftain explained that I had to shove it up my bottom without laughing to avoid death. You try and do that when your Sergeant comes out of the hut next with a pineapple.
I’m addicted to chocolate. I prefer it to sex. At work I can have it on top of the desk and don’t feel the least embarrassed. Lisa Spreddum
Dr F. And when you are finished you can always lick your fingers.
I fought two wars on no fruit at all. It was not on ration. If we all ate fruit instead of bully beef we would have to fight the enemy with vegetarians and then where would we be? Jerry would have us shot before we peeled a tangerine. Tommy Gunn
Dr F. Just because you are a pensioner doesn’t mean you are too old to be a human shield. Your wife and you can still have a full love life ever since I adjusted your Craftmatic bed to doggie style.
Fruit is full of sugar. You are better off with a sticky bun. What is the name of natural sugar found in fruit? Lil Baps
Dr F. Fructose.
I only asked! L.B
What a game fruit and vegetables are. You have to peel , liquidize or mash them . Dice cube or boil. Fry or fritter. Steam or bake. Grill or eat raw. Imagine what would happen if you bought some already prepared? There would be lots of free time to watch Sky and go on Facebook. Instead what happens? People try cooking and that’s why farmers have to get up so early. I‘d hate to be in their shoes. It’s very muddy probably. Pam Purd
Dr F. Potatoes are the reason we have Americans. Yes you guessed. The potato famine in Ireland many years ago forced a migration of three quarters of the population to go to the USA and try and grow corn in a desert instead. If they weren’t such fussy eaters Paddy could have just popped over to Poland and got their spuds from there like I do. It’s quicker getting them from Tescos but I like them fresh.
I love potatoes. They are the best, and stuffed down my trunks make me look like a man of enviable stature. Ivan Baked
Dr F. Isn’t it supposed to be down the front?
I’m a cucumber. I’m very jealous of my girlfriends ski instructor. Jus Cummin
Dr F. Last week you came into the office without dressing first. Now who will have custody of the gherkins? Look on the bright side at least you can go to drive-in and stay in the front seat.
I hate fruit. You accused me of eating a banana during my vasectomy. You cheeky bastard! It’s just my nose. Blue Mabugle
Dr F. You wouldn’t need the vasectomy if you had only kept the skins.
Dried fruit is best. If you stick them over your face you can pretend you have leprosy. Flakin’ Stevens
Dr F. I used to think a dried apricot was a crib for small monkeys to piss in. To me they just look like women’s bits and so I eat them by the bag.
I do enjoy gooseberries. Sometimes when my boyfriend isn’t looking I give them one too. Sheila Dunnit
Dr F. I don’t like greengages. But my swine flu has gone now and I’ve cleaned the snot off my car dashboard.
Are courgettes Leprechauns willies? Only I tasted one once and I didn’t like the texture. It was a bit bitter so I drizzled some olive oil on it and a little butter and sea salt. I left the rest for my Mother to eat and she seemed to enjoy it. Moira Less
Dr F. Of course not. What happened to the courgette?
also Dr Farquar-Smith on: