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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - General Enquiries 2

What about old people who click their fingers and hum out of tune when you’re trying to listen to your favourite music. (By Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: There is nothing more irritating than trendy pensioners: They bimble about with their Nike airhats on at garden centre coffee shops like they own the place. ‘Hoodie’ old buggers with too much time on their hands. God knows I can see the time when the Emva Cream will be swapped for Bacardi Breezers and then where will we be? You will have gangs of them hanging around Brighton with feckin’ foxtails and wingmirrors on their Zimmers and James Last blaring in their deafaids.

What about babysitters, who seem to share a rare condition, now known, as ‘head-in-the-fridge’ syndrome. (By Fooge)

Dr F: I have sired many kids because I have a pushbike now and can do my home-visits easily. One of the little bastards came into my surgery with a squashed frog on a lead. The tot said he wanted to get even with me for running over his frog when I last visited his mother. Tears fell down his little face. Boys will be boys. He has a good heart… and now its in a jar on my desk.

What about motorists who put on their hazard lights when an obstruction appears ahead, proving how alert they are, then proceed to drive for the next hundred and fifty miles with them still flashing. (By Fooge)

Dr F: No harm done. Overtake and flag them down. Invite them to dinner. Most of us suffer small talk from these intellectual pygmies. They shatter our world of common sense with nauseous comments to do with their non-descript lives and then have the gall to wake you up.

What about day-trippers, who bring their kids to the beach with you, and encourage them to fill the back of your car with treasures to take home; Boulders, driftwood, mermaid’s purses, sacks of sand and the like, and then conveniently forget to remove these gooey articles when you get back, leaving you with shot suspension and a car that smells like Billingsgate Market. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Yes. Those people, who to all intents and purposes live on different planets, poles apart from you, yet still manage to stay in your face. Or in my case… Midwifes who mistake you for someone else resulting in you spending your formative years with the wrong parents.

What about kids who get too much homework? I’m a coalman but I hope you don’t expect me to light your fire. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Sheer purgatory isn’t it? I hate those pesky homework problems your children are set that reduce you to a feverish mess on the floor. For example: ‘If Jack counts ten white sticks for two thirds of the green buttons he bought for fifty three pence, how many cousins is he left with when his foster parents are imprisoned for neglect?’ Answer: Two ripe tomatoes.

What about my job as a taxidermist? I got sacked yesterday for having my hand in the kitty. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Stuffing animals is disgusting. If I want to see that kind of thing I’ll go on the Internet thank you very much.

What about pawnbrokers who think that just because they hang their balls outside you have to have yours on a block in the shop. (By Fooge)

Dr F: Shoplift from one and sell to another. Its not rocket science.

What about people who mistake you for Osama bin Laden and then set a small dog onto you? (By Fooge)

Dr F: I mistake my patients for each other all the time. So to save time and my embarrassment I just call ‘em all silly cunts.

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Extra Terrestials
More Definitions
General Enquiries 1