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This week - Incest
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? If so, can I use ‘Fur Burger’ my three-legged fanny fastidious Lurcher bitch to if she can ‘see’ for me as my canine passenger when I drive my pick-up home ‘blind’ drunk from a line-dancing party at ‘Mangey Minge’s’ truckstop. . (Tristan Philias Smith) Dr Farquar comments: I suppose where you live if you had more than three dogs you would be called a pimp anyway. Tristan … we have been twin brothers all our lives and how many times must I tell you about sleeping with our step sister? When do I get a turn? Oh, Brother of mine. It’s relatively boring. But I love her still. The cute little way she chews tobacco twist while she skins a live jackrabbit. Sadly due to her young life being addicted to mail order ‘moonshine’ and a nasty incident last week while we played a game of ‘wheelbarrow’ on a turbo driven potato riddler she had to have an ‘emergency double mastectomy’ in the pig pen. Weird I know, but for some reason I find her even more attractive without her lady lumps or busty substances. She’s my permanent girlfriend now but ‘twice removed’. (Tristan ‘what can I warm my hands on now’ Smith) Dr F: I expect you use the same knife to castrate a bull and peel yourself an apple too? Should double marriage ceremonies in Grunty Fen be restricted to ‘close family members only’ just because they all share the same pillow and surname or because Great Grandparents can be ‘in-laws’ too? (Fooge) Dr F: You can always tell a wedding has taken place in Grunty Fen. There are tobacco spit stains on both sides of the pick-up truck. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? (Fooge) Dr F: Hello Mr Judd. I will always remember the kindness you showed me when you asked me to make a house-call at your littered homestead and showing me into your kitchen at little shack at ‘Trench Foot Farm’. A lovely home that still bears the local flood history on the front room walls. Apparently, your front porch had collapsed and killed five dogs but luckily your wife escaped with minor cuts and bruises by virtue of the fact that she can climb trees faster than a cat and returned later from being thrown out of the local Zoo for heckling the monkeys. Your Grandmother is still under medication for getting the ‘bends’ on her ‘Stairmaster’. She will be free of any more infection to her gangrenous foot if she continues to carry the can of ‘Raid’ I prescribed everywhere she goes. To this day she is the only woman I know who pawned her gin-still to finance a tattoo. My first impression was that her hair-do was the cross between a ceiling fan accident and a disturbed and angry wasp-nest. Her costume jewellery was, if I remember, ‘soap on a rope’ doubling as an air-freshener. Your sister-in-law, or ‘Auntie Loolabelle’ or “Missy Bucketlegs” as she is known down at the abattoir, was raking leaves out of the kitchen while Clem, her brother and proud father, cooked Spam on the barbeque outside. He had just been to a family re-union to pick up some women but found them both heavier than a refrigerator and instead came home with a gift for his Mom.. sister and girlfriend.. because it saved him buying more than one present. Very practical it was too I recall. A heap of tyres to lean the ‘gals’ crispy underwear up against on hot days. Sue Ellen and her pet ‘Roadkill’ a ‘possum raccoon cross’ saw me last week. It doesn’t seem eleven years ago that she was conceived in a car wash and only yesterday she exchanged marriage vows with her Father on the floor of the delivery room. Now she calmly spends her days wearing homemade body piercings to hold the herpes together and never goes anywhere without an ashtray and spit-cup on the ironing board. We talked and talked about and her life ambition to get a souvenir from Graceland and name her sixth child after an obscure and disgraced Rebel ‘Grey’ Civil War General. Her level of intelligence meant that she thought the National Anthem was called “Duelling Banjos” and that Dom Perignon was a Mafia leader. Her hobbies included stealing clothes off scarecrows and using car-keys to clean her nails with. My advice to people that think top of the American ‘Who’s Who’ list is Jack Daniels is to offer them the opportunity to ‘Come over to the Dark Side’ and try out what we ‘ten-toed’ call… a ‘pewter’….. just like this one. Don’t be frightened…I’m here now. No. It’s not what your dinner plate is made of…and you don’t start it like a chainsaw. Here are some IT alternatives for people who are never too drunk to fish and still think a seven course meal is a hedgehog in clay with a six-pack. Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. see also Dr Farquar - Smith on: |
