This week: Job References
“Trustworthy” - will generally get the sandwich order right
“High Flier” - will do anything you ask if you let them have your car parking space
“Popular” - Remembers to put toner in the copier
“Ambitous” - Pays into a pension fund
“Highly Motivated” - Bought own electric stapler
“Promising prospects” - Runs an office sweepstake
“Team player” - Doesn’t bugger about with the heating thermostat
“Proactive” - Buys the first round after work
“Invaluable” - Knows all the office scandal
“Enthusiastic” - Will give good head in the office loo in order not to work weekends
“IT literate” - Emails you when he is just sitting across the room
‘Supportive’ - Opens the door for the cleaner because she looks like Kate Moss in marigolds
‘Good communication skills.’ - Lies effectively
‘Creative’ - Thinks of another lie to cover the first one
‘Innovative’ - Crap liar but will always have a good excuse for lying.
‘Constant Achiever’ - Can reach level nine on mobile phone games.
‘Adaptable’ - Bi-sexual.
“Trained to a high standard of anti-discrinimatory practice” -
“Focussed on Health and Safety issues” - Wears a condom
‘Tough negotiator’ - Bums cigarettes
‘Forward thinking’ - Puts the office clock five minutes fast
‘Makes things happen’ - Practical joker
“Can do attitude” - Brown nose
‘Hands on’ - Randy
‘Conscientious’ - Expects money back that you have borrowed
‘Determined’ - Keeps asking for it back
‘Personal investor’ - Grabs all the overtime
‘Credit to the company’ - Takes the credit for everything
“Good time management” - likes a good time with the manager
“Teambuilder” - Arranges hefty whip rounds for people they made redundant
“Proactive” - Making sure the whip round is big enough to pay for the stripper
“Talented” - Can discreetly toss you off in the canteen queue without anything falling off his/her tray.
“Good allrounder” - Will do the same and buy you a latte too.
“Performs well under pressure” - Can complete all the above while eating a cream horn
see also Dr Farquar-Smith on: