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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Life

If that thigh reducing cream all the women are raving about really works wouldn't you think it would shrink their hands too? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. I don’t care as long as they don’t get any of it on my knob.

When you open a new bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Yes. It’s a cotton picking fact.

How can there be self-help "groups"? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Crowd comfort should not mean a mass grave.

If x-rays aren't too deadly for the body why do the nurses all leave the room? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. Because they can see right through people like you.

What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. The same reason there is too much ‘red tape’ on Babybels and when you register at my surgery.

Why are flesh coloured band-aids the colour of white people's skin? (Contributed by Jeanine)

Dr F. In case you cut yourself with racist blades.

If only the good die young will we live forever? (Contributed by J.J.)

Dr F. If you die good, it’s like dying healthy. What’s the point?

Should research studies be outlawed? (Contributed by Laura S.)

Dr F. Researchers are well paid assistants to experts in their field. After all.. somebody has to look under rocks for years… getting world renown and shedloads of cash… while ‘the purple rinse brigade’ spend the last few precious months of their frail lives running a charity shop… unpaid…. trying to sell other folks shite… to pay for more experts… to appear in …The Lancet and other highbrow medical journals. Everybody wants to be a feckin’ expert, don’t they? ‘Experts’.my shiny mottled arse. I won’t tell you again. Bollox to research! If you want information about shit …well… that’s what I’m here for. I have read authoritative books on every subject..I have done ample studies..pondered over countless articles and cross referencing on such matter to do with every aspect of life. I have broadband you have a little faith in your doctor, I’m a ‘pin up’ for vasectomies.

If walking is so good for you why does my postman look like Jabba the Hut? (Contributed by Dennis Miller)

Dr F. Have you asked him about your missing Tesco coupons ?

Isn't today the last day of your life so far? (Contributed by Giggles)

Dr F. I saw the popular disaster movie “The day After Tomorrow” so what the fuck are you on about?

How do you get the germs off of your soap? (Contributed by Poppi c15)

Dr F. Compulsive disorders like yours are fairly uncommon. But I’m glad you got the national minimum wage cleaning my surgery. We just have to work on your involuntary projectile vomiting in the staff canteen. Aim further up the queue…. I get more choice of salads, that way.

If you suffer from kleptomania would you take something for it? (Contributed by Tony Sanchez)

Dr F. You may have to pinch yourself with this advice. Don’t go to an herbalist. They are daylight shrubbery.

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety