This week - More Life
Dr F. Throw them half your takeaway meal to save time.
Why is the letter E on the top of the eye chart? And why? (Contributed by David Feldman)
Dr F. So it spells, ‘eptqrnlafsuzjwdxovm’ of course.
Do you think the alleged health experts who are constantly reminding us to wash our hands before eating have ever heard of silverware? (Contributed by Fog Free Freddy)
Dr F. Only be concerned if you need cutlery to piss with.
Could someone ever get addicted to counselling? If so how could you treat them? (Contributed by Jim de Graff)
Dr F. With contempt. People with real issues need mainstream counselling. Peter Doherty for instance is a 'talentless tosser' with the appeal of a crop of boils under your ball-bag and just needs proper support and a little understanding.
When someone doesn't eat very much, why do we say they eat like a bird? A bird needs to eat at least half its own weight in food each day just to survive. So if we say someone eats like a bird, wouldn't that mean that they eat too much? (Contributed by MailBits.com)
Dr F. I knew a bird like that. She ate like an overworked sludgepump. She just seemed to open her mouth and walk forward. 'Garbage Guts' I called her. In the end, I made her pay for her own kebab.
maple syrup comes from maple trees, where does cough syrup come from?
(Contributed by Parker MacMillan)
Why is it that we'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive our cars 90 miles an hour to make up for lost time? (Contributed by Rodney & Cathy's Joke List)
Dr F. There is no supplement for vitamins. Centuries ago pirates would get on the Seven Seas using Omega diet. It would make them have to stick their arse over the portside and shit in the sea. That’s why mariners were called 'oceangoing'.
Why is it 'dirty' to use someone else's soap? Isn't soap self-cleaning? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. My car's an automatic, but I still have to be there.
Does aromatherapy make scents? (Contributed by The Vent on AccessAtlanta.com)
F. Who scent this? I bet you stink to high heaven! Perfume
is a physical advert that you have bad hygiene. Like motorists who
like to have a scented tree hanging from the rear view mirror. It
tells other drivers they have a sweaty crotch. The body’s natural
musk is full of phenoromes that when your nostrils are overwhelmed
you inexplicably get an erection a cat can’t scratch. Like blue
steel it is. So, on the plus side, if you smell like a haddock you
much more likely to get laid by your GP. Look at Napoleon when he
wasn’t saying ‘Not tonight Josephine’ it’s
a historic fact he was saying ‘Don’t bathe tonight’
. Why? Because he liked a bint to smell ‘off’ as a bucket
of prawns in the sun.. A whale produces over 32 gallons of sperm in
one ejaculation (that is ‘both barrels’ of course, and
the reason its called a sperm whale) So don’t moan when I wipe
it on the duvet occasionally.
Do you think there just might be something to acupuncture? After all, you never see any sick porcupines, do you? (Contributed by Bob Goddard)
Dr F. Hedgehogs too. Well.. some get squashed. Mind you.. aren't there are enough pricks on the road?
Does anybody know what the 'X' in X-ray stands for? (Contributed by ImmSpec)
F. Xenophobia. It stops you looking at the colour of another's
skin as some kind of barrier. At the end of the day we are all the
same on the inside. Especially overweight white heterosexual middle
class males who vote BNP.
also Dr Farquar - Smith on: