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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - More Life

If you saw someone drowning and it was only 55 minutes after you had eaten would you have to wait 5 minutes before diving in to save them? (Contributed by Alex Petty)

Dr F. Throw them half your takeaway meal to save time.

Why is the letter E on the top of the eye chart? And why? (Contributed by David Feldman)

Dr F. So it spells, ‘eptqrnlafsuzjwdxovm’ of course.

Do you think the alleged health experts who are constantly reminding us to wash our hands before eating have ever heard of silverware? (Contributed by Fog Free Freddy)

Dr F. Only be concerned if you need cutlery to piss with.

Could someone ever get addicted to counselling? If so how could you treat them? (Contributed by Jim de Graff)

Dr F. With contempt. People with real issues need mainstream counselling. Peter Doherty for instance is a 'talentless tosser' with the appeal of a crop of boils under your ball-bag and just needs proper support and a little understanding.

When someone doesn't eat very much, why do we say they eat like a bird? A bird needs to eat at least half its own weight in food each day just to survive. So if we say someone eats like a bird, wouldn't that mean that they eat too much? (Contributed by

Dr F. I knew a bird like that. She ate like an overworked sludgepump. She just seemed to open her mouth and walk forward. 'Garbage Guts' I called her. In the end, I made her pay for her own kebab.

If maple syrup comes from maple trees, where does cough syrup come from? (Contributed by Parker MacMillan)
Dr F. I don't know but Boots have branches everywhere. Didn’t you twig that?

Why is it that we'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive our cars 90 miles an hour to make up for lost time? (Contributed by Rodney & Cathy's Joke List)

Dr F. There is no supplement for vitamins. Centuries ago pirates would get on the Seven Seas using Omega diet. It would make them have to stick their arse over the portside and shit in the sea. That’s why mariners were called 'oceangoing'.

Why is it 'dirty' to use someone else's soap? Isn't soap self-cleaning? (Contributed by Don F.)

Dr F. My car's an automatic, but I still have to be there.

Does aromatherapy make scents? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr F. Who scent this? I bet you stink to high heaven! Perfume is a physical advert that you have bad hygiene. Like motorists who like to have a scented tree hanging from the rear view mirror. It tells other drivers they have a sweaty crotch. The body’s natural musk is full of phenoromes that when your nostrils are overwhelmed you inexplicably get an erection a cat can’t scratch. Like blue steel it is. So, on the plus side, if you smell like a haddock you much more likely to get laid by your GP. Look at Napoleon when he wasn’t saying ‘Not tonight Josephine’ it’s a historic fact he was saying ‘Don’t bathe tonight’ . Why? Because he liked a bint to smell ‘off’ as a bucket of prawns in the sun.. A whale produces over 32 gallons of sperm in one ejaculation (that is ‘both barrels’ of course, and the reason its called a sperm whale) So don’t moan when I wipe it on the duvet occasionally.

Do you think there just might be something to acupuncture? After all, you never see any sick porcupines, do you? (Contributed by Bob Goddard)

Dr F. Hedgehogs too. Well.. some get squashed. Mind you.. aren't there are enough pricks on the road?

Does anybody know what the 'X' in X-ray stands for? (Contributed by ImmSpec)

Dr F. Xenophobia. It stops you looking at the colour of another's skin as some kind of barrier. At the end of the day we are all the same on the inside. Especially overweight white heterosexual middle class males who vote BNP.

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety