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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Money

Why is it that the shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the moment one puts a little extra aside for a sudden emergency and the arrival of that emergency? (Contributed by Don Woods)

Dr Farquar comments: This is the real twist. What is the point of ‘putting away some money for a rainy day’? Who wants to go shopping when it's pissing down?

Isn't the only thing harder than a diamond the payments? (Contributed by Jim Moore Jr.)

Dr Farquar comments: Are your rocks quite big then? ‘Diamonds are a girls best friend’. ‘Doorty Denise’ down the ‘Hogs Trough’ likes rough ones and only if they are half cut.

Why do people I owe money to keep bothering me after the 'final notice'? (Contributed by B. Richards)

Dr Farquar comments: I know. If they were that bothered about the money you owe then they would send bailiffs around who have a sense of humour and an arse they can hold with both hands instead of your telly.

Don't birds have bills too? And they keep on singing, don't they? (Contributed by Pat Marco)

Dr Farquar comments: Ducks visit banks and leave huge deposits. I had a little thrush once but that’s cleared up.

How come on TV we see get-out-of-debt commercials immediately followed with another on how easy it is to get a credit card? (Contributed by The Vent on

Dr Farquar comments: What's more important? I lost a brother in death last month. He left me with 25 grand. Ask me now which I would prefer to see again? Precisely. It puts things in perspective doesn’t it? One. My brother gave the rest of his estate to the Blind. What feckin’ good is a jag to them? And Two. It looks like I will be getting feck all again until Aunt Dorothy croaks and she reckons her angioplasty has added 10 years to her life. Mind you she's enough to add ten years to anybodys life. How selfish is that? I don’t visit her at the home anymore. The matron caught me kicking her stick away.

Why is being broke and homeless in this country the only way to get free money? (By Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: Nobody knows what hardship is in this country. When I was first year student I didn’t have the wart off a cucumber to scratch my arse with. I used to steal kitchen foil so I could afford heroin. I used to go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers. I’d go to weddings just to collect the rice. At Christmas all I ever exchanged was Non Specific Urethritis. I used to risk my life and jump out in front of cars so they would have to stop on a sixpence and so I could save up enough to get a pack of fags. I used to kick a can down the street and people thought I was moving house. Once a tramp pressed 10p in my hand. I couldn’t afford to even pay attention. I stole a mirror from a pet shop once. I was reported to the Animal Liberation Front who dug up my dead parents for smudging a budgie's makeup. Another time I was forced to eat a rat for dinner. No wonder it gave me indigestion, it was inside a feckin’ cat. Even though I was hungry I wish I had put the cat out first but it had already caught light in the oven. I had no money for chips once and so I had to beat up the croupier. Once, at training college, I examined the money purse of a menopausal woman and found out it was me ‘going through the change’. I once hid from Police after falling in a vat of beer after being chased by drunks to pay for a round. I would have got away with it but I was forced to go outside for a piss. I left my beer on top of the pub roof just so I could get a drink on the house. I was so desperate for money I tried to sue Smirnoff for all the ugly women I slept with. Another time I faked my own death so I didn’t have to buy a flag off the Red Cross. I even joined an S&M club hoping for a whip round. Later I tried to steal a car but got a fresh set of wheals from the same club instead. I sent a cheque anonymously to charity. I just didn’t bother signing it. I didn’t have enough money to buy a packet of condoms and ended up only affording a toothbrush. I used to get girls behind the bushes and brush their teeth. I had a job at the hospital circumcision unit but got the sack for keeping all the tips. I tried to sell one of kidneys on the internet to get cash. I was told on its removal that it was half the size it should be and too damaged by alcohol abuse. I told the surgeon “in that case the recipient can pay double for it because I’ve already saved him a fortune.”

Why do cigarettes cost more than a medical prescription? Surely people should pay less to die prematurely? (By Fooge)

Dr Farquar comments: Do not suffer from ailments you can ill afford and are beyond your means. It's sheer arrogance to contract diseases you can’t pay for. Pay your medical bills promptly. It is a privilege to contribute to humanitarians like me and if you don’t settle up I won’t wash my hands after using the toilet next time you want a flesh-eating condition. Particularly do not die in my presence or under my direct care. The paperwork is inconvenient and extremely embarrassing. Do not complain about treatment that fails. Any bad press transcends any permanent disability you may experience. Remember to adapt your symptoms to the diagnosis I give you. In return I will cooperate by finding out what might be wrong with you if you were the opposite sex on the Internet. Don’t expect me to understand your full suffering especially if it interferes with my medical objectivity you feckin’ mouthy cow from Southend.

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Extra Terrestials
More Definitions