This week: OCD

I have an overwhelming compulsion to punch your lights out due to being albino and florescence hurts my Iris. Daz Whites

Dr F: I don’t care what your wife thinks. If she had her way you would always be left in the dark. I suppose with photosensitive vision you cannot always look on the bright side.

You blamed my OCD with gardening as excessive when I asked you to rub dung into my vegetable patch. Now I’m obsessed with your 2 inch drill. Gwen Hoom

Dr F: Yes you gave me ‘green fingers’ but I’m hoping with a strong course of antibiotics that will soon clear up.

I have a problem with slugs. I put Vaseline on the rim of my pot but that just seemed to encourage the rest of the darts team. Help? Phyliss Inn

Dr F: It's common. Some people suggest putting beer out in the garden and get them too drunk to climb up, but this confuses whose round it is. Next time draw the curtains in your upstairs bathroom.

I have to dress up in waders and crotchless panties while I turn the kitchen taps on and off fifty times with my arsecheeks before I can make hot muffins for the local girl guides. Is this usual? Beau  Tox

Dr F: Nothing strange about this ritualised behaviour but last time you slipped on the draining board and firemen could not retrieve your tap system from your rectum. I can operate but it will mean you will have to start buying toilet paper again.

I’m obsessed with skinny dipping but I’m 23 stone, any suggestions? Col Esterol

Dr F: Steer clear of the cheese and chive one. The last time the dips were used for breast stroke it put people off the houmous I had especially saved for a game of naked Twister.

I’m a sex manic. The other day I got married and now I’m only allowed sex every blue moon. I’ve waited forty years and never seen a blue moon! In fact Mr Stumpy hasn’t even seen the light of day. Harry Upp

Dr F: Poor you. When I’m making house calls to your wife while you are constantly looking through a telescope, I find painting the bedroom window with ink gives the moon a blue tinge, fooling your wife into blue moon shagging opportunities, enabling me to help her with her weak heart. It took 18 jumps to re-start it last night.

I’m a nympho. I can use my hands to create 500 orgasms a minute. Lucy Lastic

Dr F: Yes it's just a shame nobody else is involved.

I am obsessed with imagining there are no hypothetical situations. Dee Luded

Dr F: That's not my concern. If life was hypothetical, what would you do the rest of the time?

You told me I was unique and since learned you say that to all the kennel maids. Try putting yourself in my shoes. Jane Plain

Dr F: I have tried to put myself in your shoes but I prefer to put myself in your knickers. It's up to you if you want keep wearing them but I warn you there will be no room for anyone else.

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