This week - Personal Experience
Is it true that someone once said “You should make a point of trying every experience once, except incest and folk dancing.” If that’s the case why are most of the Morris dancers in our village related? (By Fooge)
Dr F. We are all God’s children.. it’s just a shame that in most cases he never wore a condom. Stay away from Morris dancers they can be very overbearing and usually have to be everywhere with bells on.
Why is it marital friction starts with just a little thing and usually means someone is not keeping their end up? (By Fooge)
Dr F. The Bible says for ‘wives to render their husbands his marital due.’ If you wanted to have regular sex you should never have got married. My wife and I have been married 25 years and still believe a brisk handshake goodnight is appropriate and as yet there is no proven research that suggests I will ever wank myself to death.
The last time I visited you my blood test results came back with a miniature wreath attached. Should I be worried? (By Fooge)
Dr F. Put it this way, don’t make any plans for tomorrow. You have Swiss cheese running through your veins. On the brighter side the cholesterol from your sample had such adhesive quality I used it to re-point my chimney stack.
Why does hair leave my head by trying to in-grow through my brain and come out in giant tufts from each nostril and both ears? (By Fooge)
Dr F. Don’t worry. We will try HRT. In the meantime your husband seems to still find you attractive. Women suffering hair-loss is common. Try a little moose in your hair, but only if your comb doesn’t get caught in the antlers.
I am 64 years old and my failing memory means I have forgotten what it felt like to rip ladies underwear off with my teeth.. Can you email me? (By Fooge)
Dr F. It’s over . You’re too old. Move on. Besides if you are talking about the twenty minutes in my stationary cupboard it was just a one-off. Just roll them down your legs gently and try not using your teeth at all.
Why does junk mail say you ‘are a valued customer’. (By Fooge)
Dr F. Junk mail is the scourge of modern life. I tell all my patients to re-address their own to Number 10 Downing Street. It won’t stop the war in Iraq but at least the front door will be so jammed each morning with the copious junk mailings that Mr Blair won’t be able to leave his house to cause anymore trouble.
What is it with my husband? He wants me to treat him like a baby and dress him in nappies at night? I wouldn’t mind but its ‘winding’ him after a case of lager that’s starting to piss me off. (By Fooge)
Dr F. He’s a deviant. Some grown men going through their second childhood just won’t play ball.
Since seeing you about my obesity I have put on another three stone and have to reverse into my toilet using side mirrors. Why? (By Fooge)
Dr F. You take my advice too literally. For example: When I greet you and say “crisp weather isn’t it?” that is not permission to go out and buy three boxes of them.
I’m eleven years old and you said that my itchy shorts were a symptom of ‘growing pains’. You were right, but now I’m in long trousers one leg is growing faster than the other and I seem to have two left feet. (By Fooge)
Dr F. Ok I was wrong about the ‘growing pains’. I blamed your peculiar gait on rusty hinges and the onset of puberty. It’s time to break the truth to you because you are old enough to understand how futile it is for your parents to sue me. Last year you were on a fairground ride and the roller coaster left the rails. After three months in a coma and twelve operations I personally conducted on you, you are at least able to walk again.. even if it is just in circles. It could have been worse. I could have made you pay for the Dodgems.
I hate women. They leave uncut loaves like they have been ambushed by a homicidal chain-sawing maniac and they leave so much talcum powder on the floor of my bathroom I come out looking like Casper trapped in a flourmill.. Am I alone in this? (By Fooge)
Dr F. You bloody well will be carrying on like some fussy-arse. I expect you are the sort that would keep your clothes on in a mixed sauna. I suppose your kind would even moan if a train arrived on time but departed an hour late? Only worry when your girlfriend stands up in the middle of a ‘Creative Writing Class’ and says “I’m Wendy.. and I’m an alcoholic.”
also Dr Farquar - Smith on: