This week - Psychics
Can people still read your mind when you are dyslexic? (Fooge)
Dr F. I kown whta yoru thikignn.
If I am psychic and donate my brain to science, will scientists prove I had premonitions? (Fooge)
Dr F. Don't you know? Off the top of your head?
I see dead people. (Contributed Mr Dimbleby)
Dr F. Fed up with doing Question Time, in Leeds, are we?
Why do psychic shows have to advertise? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. Foretelling the future has to be marketed. Look how many prophets help to write the Bible? They prophesied the End of the World and now have a best seller, even after the event.
If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network should you plan a surprise birthday party for them? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. If its too much of a surprise they might might already know that. Tell them its at a fake venue and hope for a bigger crowd.
Would a midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison be called a small medium at large? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. I don’t know but you better send ‘Ouija and the boys’ around.
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously? (Contributed by Don F.)
Dr F. This is because economists don’t set their dog on you, park a caravan on your garden and piss in your maildox.
Is it possible for a psychic fair to be cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances? (Contributed by Neil Enns)
Dr F. I knew you were going to say that.
Does a psychic amnesiac know in advance what he is going to forget? (Contributed by Alex Petty)
Dr F. Quite likely, but that’s what ‘post-its’ were invented for. Except psychics use blank ones.
Isn't a meteorologist and fortune teller, having sex, a risky combination? (Fooge)
Dr F. Well they can look forward to having a shower first, hoping for a warm front, and the odd damp patch later.
Why aren't there more practical tarot cards? Like a prostate cancer card or an arrested for domestic violence card. Wouldn't these make more sense? (Contributed by Phil)
Dr F. Life is not a throw of a dice. Thats crap.
If criminals could know in advance what pain to the victims they cause in advance, would it be a better world? (Fooge)
Dr F. An ASBO is the most modern way to predict the future. The owners will break it and re-offend at some stage. Always choose crime at pensionable age. You will never get a life sentence. Jail is warmer than a warden controlled flat, and you have more time to do jigsaws.
Telekinetics tell us that they can bend a spoon just by staring at it all day. Why don't they just pick the stupid thing up and bend it with their hands? (Contributed by Myles Godfrey)
Dr F. Uri Geller first stunned the world with this phenomona. He has buggered up so much cutlery he can't drive his car down a fork in the road. He is only that skinny now, because he has got feck all to eat his dinner with.
Why are fortune-tellers always so serious looking? Meeting one is hardly something to look forward to, is it? (Fooge)
Dr F. Try and find a happy medium.
If you procrastinate with everything, can you put off tomorrow, what you should do today? (Fooge)
Dr F. Next?
Did Nostradamus predict he would be so good at telling future events? (Fooge)
Dr F. GGrrrrr. Can't you lot get a life?....About as much as he predicted when he would next shave that stupid beard off and get a bath. I mean, everybody has the right to be ugly, but he abused the privilege. Well, apart from Mystic Meg, and she has a face like bag of spanners. The last time she gazed into her crystal ball, it rolled backwards off the table in sheer terror. Russel Grant is another monster. The only reason he is gay is because nobody dare look at his dish, during botty games. Uranus colliding with Neptune , indeed? The only way I would get my palm read was if it was covered in claret after punching him in his pudgy, feckin' mealy mouth...and then he would be seeing stars, not me. It's all drivvle and piffocks.
I apologise for that outburst. I'm feeling a bit unpredictable.