This week - Riddles
If a hen and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle? --Tom Robbins
Dr Farquar comments: This is more to do with the skunk I sold you and not the monkey.
If corn oil is made from oil what is baby oil made from? (Fooge)
Dr F: If corn can’t hear but still has ears, then why do blind people wear sunglasses and deaf people not wear earmuffs? Furthermore, if Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? (Fooge)
Dr F: Ok. How do you know that all the words in a dictionary are spelled correctly? For instance: If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb? Or more simply if everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?
Your medical advice pinned in the surgery is misleading, like “Illiterate? Write today for free help.”(Fooge)
Dr F: Sorry. My mistake. I forgot you are my barber and that you know everything. Lets hope you don’t get a second job driving a taxi and become a regular ‘Ask Jeeves.’ At least that way, talk is cheap and your supply will soon outweigh demand.
If evolution is true how come mothers only have one set of hands and men don’t have tits too. (Fooge)
Dr F: In your case, having a wardrobe big enough to store your favourite dildo collection was not featured in Darwin's theory either. Primates do pretty disgusting things, but at least they don’t jam two feet of black latex called ‘Mad Max’ up their own ‘how do you do’ with enough lithium power to launch the shuttle and the surface area and terrain of the Tundra? I also believe your husband is living proof that Neanderthals drink snakebite and will be late home. I chopped all the trees down on the way home from the pub.
If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show? --Steven Wright
Dr F: Laugh if you like, but I bet you couldn’t train a dinosaur to jump through your window and a bored pterodactyl to play your vinyl records. That’s Zoey Balls job.
If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? --Steven Wright
Dr F: I used ‘Mazola’ cooking oil as a lubricant during intercourse once. It was very disappointing. I switched the light on afterwards and realised my mistake. I picked up the ‘Crisp and Dry’ instead.
Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers? (Fooge)
Dr F: Test your toast will never drop to the floor butter-side down again. Strap it upside on the back of your cat. Throw the cat out the window flipping it violently in a twisted fashion into the air as high as you can. You can be sure the cat will return eventually with the toast the right way up.
How can I stop my children from misbehaving at garden centres when choosing a Xmas tree. (Fooge)
Dr F: Put them each through one of those tree netting funnels first. They are much easier to get inside the boot of your car that way. When you cut them free back home, watch how very still and silent they are when you remove the netting with carpet scissors. Better still, leave it on and you can bet they will soon grow out of it.
see also Dr Farquar - Smith on: