This week: SNOW

I drink Slush Puppies in cold weather for their appearance and taste of antifreeze. Dan Innwon

Dr F: It makes a makes a change from meths. The last time I shared a fag with you I lost my eyebrows.

I have got snow chains on my car tyres. They seem to enjoy bondage. My headlights want to be blindfolded too. Tania Hyde

Dr F:  You pervert.  Don’t you know you have child locks?

I’m a snowplow driver but I’d like to put that to one side.  Kitch Maddrift

Dr F: Its amazing how much we Brits struggle in winter. I use a hairdryer to defrost my car and it works well, especially if you leave your windscreen wipers in heated curlers overnight.

I am a caveman and bought some UG boots for slippery prehistoric conditions. I can now slay mammoths feeling surefooted. I just went into Freeman and Hardy Willis and said “UG” and a lady measured my feet for them. Afterwards I showed my gratitude and dragged her back to mine to show her my etchings. Terry Dactyl

Dr F: I thought that might happen at some stage. Preferably the Paleolythic. It's good to know that my ancestors take after me.

Driving in snow is like oral sex. One slip and you’re in the shit. Conny Lingus

Dr F: You have a one-track mind and it's a dirt-track all the way.

The AA are doing a great job in this bad weather. Colin Allcars

Dr F: Yes. My next meeting will be held in the pub. Hopefully, snowbound. Ah, bliss. Surrounded by pissheads and I’m the only bastard drinking!

How do you think we cope in Wales? We haven’t had much to sing about with all this snow. Only the other night a blizzard in the hills caused an avalanche and two of my sheep were stuck fast. Dai Trying

Dr F: I see. A hostage situation. It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘wearing a nice woolly,’ doesn’t  it? Remember balaclavas as a kid? You know, itchy and hard to pull over your head. (Or was that Stacey with the big bloomers?) I used to have an ill-fitting balaclava. Whenever I wore it, I feigned sickness so I didn’t have to go to school and have the piss taken out of me. It was a knit one, pearl one, fashion disaster. Once, I wore it back to front. So I put my trousers and blazer on back to front too. I used to walk backwards into class just to prove I had started growing facial hair. Legend has it that King Arthur was blamed for the balaclava. Balaclavas were every schoolboys dread until robbing Spar shops became more popular.

Me and Shazz go to Majorca on a 747 in the winter to get shagged, pissed and a tan in that order. I hate flying though. I hate the noise taking off. Tracy Outline

Dr F: Yes. But at least the 747 will stop whining when it reaches Spain.

I’m 83 and love the white stuff. I even have a toboggan. Wheee! Iva Deathwish

Dr F: Have you heard this? Whats blue and fucks old ladies? Hyperthermia. So my advice is to try Smurfs in future.

We Brits are soft. Do schools shut in Alaska? Do Eskimos stop fishing in holes because it looks like it might snow? This is no more than mamby pamby, wishy washy, dopey ropey, incey wincey, pinky perky, wanky planky, abuse of office time. It is a form of ‘white collar crime’. Des Picable

Dr F: Strange. I thought killing a priest was? I went out with an Eskimo once. She broke it off.

I’m hoping for sex tonight at the “Push me Closer to the Window’ care home for the heavily sedated.. I’m waiting for you by wearing my birthday suit on my candle wick eiderdown. Thora Chilblain

Dr F: Can you iron it first, and get rid of the bedspread?

Just for once, can I go the whole week without you being ageist, sexist, or apartheid in any way? Job Sworth
Dr F: Ok. You have my consent.

I work for the road council and my job is to help grit roads. I don’t like to see poor motorists struggle in wintry conditions, so I dump my grit in a local fishing lake first thing in the morning and go home early for the day. Ivor Tipper

Dr F: All gritting lorries should be lined up and stood empty for what good they are. Oh..sorry... they already do.

I love ice skating in this weather but with a difference. I like to skate on the other side of the ice. Blaise Atrail

Dr F: This is totally delusional. Everybody knows this can’t happen. Not with a submerged shopping trolley that might get caught in your scarf.

Snow is romantic. I like to switch the light on during sex in snow storms. Daff Azzabrush

Dr F: Please leave the car door shut and wait for a farmer to pull me out.

You filthy hound!  I never slept with my wife before I got married and neither should have you. Vic Torian

Dr F: I dunno. What was her maiden name?

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