This week: SUICIDE

I’m an obese gambler. I lay three million to one I won’t commit suicide today because I’m a lardy. Sam Odds

Dr F: I think you have fat chance.

I’m a latent transvestite with falsies and been imprisoned for stealing from the local Fish shop. Now I have really had my chips. Should I commit suicide? Ian Syde

Dr F: Yes. I had a feeling you like to hang around bars.

You heartless bastard! I would assist your suicide any day of the week. I’m free on Thursday. Ivor Hitman

Dr F: Over my dead body. Don’t be hasty. Put the M16 down and listen to reason. Your alcoholism has been confirmed. When I went to the bar with you after a seminar in Vancouver you asked for Whiskey and ginger. When I said “Would you like to drink ‘Canada Dry’”? I didn’t think you would take me literally.

Fukkit! I’ve got the pipe in the window but the car keeps cutting out. Should I put it in for a service before I get one at the cemetery? Brian Bread

Dr F: I can see you are fuming. Why not be sure and ask to borrow your neighbour's car and then in about half an hour he won’t need to borrow your strimmer anymore.

I’m a nun of the “Lets all rub ourselves up against the furniture” Holy order of Chicken Bun and Fries convent for itchy serge knickers. Suicide is a form of blasphemy and I could be excommunicated immediately if I killed myself. Sister Catherine Wheel

Dr F: Christ knew he was going to die. It was hardly worth doing his City and Guilds in carpentry. My Grandmother had a necklace crucifix with a little Jesus on it to prove it.

Why do people who commit suicide often do so in the nude? Surely it's embarrassing enough without making your departure in the nip. Barry Mabody

Dr F: Remember we came into this world in the buff and so why not leave it starkers?  If I were dead I wouldn’t want anybody taking my clothes off so why give them the satisfaction of seeing your nob for the first time since you croaked?

I’m an insomniac because I don’t want to die in my sleep. I want to be fully awake eating a pastrami sandwich in case I have to miss my lunch later. Ed  Case

Dr F: How novel!  Denial is for people that don’t exist.  Why not play on your x-box too? Then when you die at least you have taken your mortality to the next level.

I can’t wait to die because I looked at the obituary only to find people pass away in alphabetical order. I’m called Zachary Daiquiri Dock so it seems I’ve got ages yet. ZDD

Dr F: This is why Zebras are not afraid to cross over.

Goodbye cruel world! All I ever got was criticsim. Gavin Nottashite

Dr F: Err... you misspelled criticism.

You awful man. How did any woman ever want to marry you? Lil Mona

Dr F: I lead by example.

I’m a suicide bomber. I sad. Every shop I go into seems to upset infidel shoppers. I try to speak good English and give warning and even can count backwards at the top of my voice so people have time to finish purchasing their goods. Ahmed Damistake

Dr F: Poor you. Us Westerners can be so thoughtless to extremism. Why not issue a fatwa to security while you are at it? This is a sure way to stop them leering at teenage girls and hiding porn in their munchies drawer.

I’m on death row and a tad depressed. The thought of being killed has meant I’m on suicide watch. Why should the state have all the fun? Mister Ree

Dr F: If you commit suicide it might mean you will be resuscitated only to be killed anyway. I would stick to plan B. After all, who can be bothered to tie bedsheets together these days when my taxes pay for all the right equipment.

I’m a Police officer and have arrested my mother for assisting my dad to die at his own convenience rather than chuck it all in at a public toilet. What should I do? Boyce Inblue

Dr F: Call for back up. Your Mother tried to kill me in her sleep once.

I’m a policeman too! Suicide is plain wrong. I put my trust in God because everybody else is a suspect. Al Loaloalo

Dr F: Give it arrest.

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