This week - Testimonials
I am 93 years of age and want to thank you for treating my Chlamydia at the local swimming baths. May I drop you a few lines to just say ‘thankyou’? (Fooge)
Dr Farquar says: Thanks all the same but I have my own dealer.
I had arranged an eye test with your Optician who posted my appointment reminder. How am I expected to read it when I obviously need glasses? (Fooge)
Dr F: Not the shiniest ship in the fleet are we? Don’t be concerned. If your children are seen and not heard that’s a start. In your case being short-sighted is more of a stigma than stigmatism. Have you got something in your eye or is it just the way you walk?
Do you know any light-fingered watch menders who will not put the clocks back? (Fooge)
Dr F: Some. I also know a few comedians like you trying to waste my time. Talking of which weighing in at a wheezing 23 stone hardly qualifies you as a light entertainer.
What about those Insecure finance brokers who give credit where credit is due because they still don’t want to be left a loan? (Fooge)
Dr F: Everybody wants your money and that’s why I wear the same poppy each year so old people don’t try and molest me outside supermarkets.
I think I have asthma as I nearly choked on a curly sandwich at a wedding once. (Fooge)
Dr F: You are nothing but a cheap self obsessed hypochondriac. Last week you came in my surgery panting as if out of breath. After a brief examination I told you to take the brand label off your new sunglasses and you would not have to keep puffing it upwards to see where you were going.
I am your Mother of 89 years and fed up with having to phone you from the Isle of Sky from inside the only un-vandalised kiosk in threadbare support stockings frozen up my pooh chute to stop you trying to put me in a mobile home. (Fooge)
Dr F: No you deaf daft bint. I said.. ‘I’m getting you a MOBILE PHONE.’
Why can't CCTV cameras shout ‘Thief’, or at least lasso ‘would be’ assailants? (Fooge)
Dr F: Yes. CCTV stands for Can’t Catch Thieves Video. Midday last Thursday I was filmed stealing a digital high definition 67” plasma screen from Dixons in broad daylight. The low quality CCTV footage make it look like the clever theft took place on the seabed at ninety fathoms. Luckily the Police haven’t got a clue it was me. Anyway I have a cast-iron alibi. I only went in there to buy a kettle.
also Dr Farquar - Smith on: