This week: Tongue Twisters

Try this one! Betty Bottle bought a bit of butter but the butter Betty Bottle bought was a bitter bit of butter that Betty Bottle bought. So Betty Bottle bought another bit of butter that was better than the bitter butter Betty Bottle bought before. Margie Reene

Dr F: I can’t believe it's not another butter based tongue twister that has all the charm of a served sausage casserole that was cooked on a boilwash cycle because there were already socks in the slo-cooker simmering at 95degrees.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if it was of average build but had a withered hand like Jeremy Beadle, Susan Boyle's sex appeal and poorly fitted dentures? Winnie Bago

Dr F: A woodchuck is a ground hog found mainly on the ground. I would be tempted to ask how much ground he hogged in one go? I would also ask if a wood chuck would chuck his girlfriend and then chuck her out? Especially, if she treated him like a gopher. If I was his girlfriend I would chuck the book at him. A woodchuck looks like an unkempt beaver. Dirty beavers just don’t wash with me. Personally, I would look at comparing woodchucks with meerkats who are altogether a better class of vermin. They prefer a comfortable habitat where they can go up to the next level and try out the sofas. On the other hand, David Attenborough once told me they like to stick their noses in the air because they are pretentious little cunts.

If I was a pheasant plucker's mate and the pheasant plucker was always late, I would stick one of my cocks so far up his arse he would be spitting feathers for a fortnight. Omar Gawd

Dr F: You seem one pleasant fucker, I don’t think! I shagged a pheasant once. She was a game bird.

I wish I saw seashells sitting on the seashore, as most of the time I just see knotted condoms, lorry tyres and fag-ends. How many ‘S’s in that bastard? Wanda Aboot

Dr F: Just the one, I’m afraid. Inform the coastguard and complain. Not only will they stop playing 3 card brag but they will ask bathers in Scarborough if they see syringes under the pier to make the exposed needles safe by using corks from discarded winebottles to avoid any further health and safety issues. Take your litter home is my advice. If not give them to me and I will flush any unwanted kittens down the toilet.

What really was the best thing before sliced bread? Ivor Crust

The missionary position really is best. My wife for one disagrees and simply won’t take it lying down. She enjoys any travelling priest giving a frank opinion on ecumenical issues. For example: How do he and his brotherhood stand on paedophiles and lesbian vergers? Do they take their shoes off first for instance?

I’m a pheasant plucker and resent NVQ apprentices studying food preparation (Core unit 5 module 6) saying I’m unreliable. You distinctly said somebody wanted to shove a cock up my arse. It’s gone 7.30am, as we arranged, and this public toilet is freezing. I’m going to be late again for work if you don’t get the cock I need here soon. Roger Mee

Dr F: I only have a Tesco value chicken. That will have to do. Please follow the instructions on the packet and start without me.

Peter picked a peck of pickled peppers then masturbated. What a tosser! Bet that smarts now. Mr Meaner

Dr F: Yes, any hot chillis touched by the un-gloved finger and then finding its way onto open membrane will sting unbearably. Copious warm water and lathered soap is suggested to stop the irritation. Should this happen again, ask your wife for a brisk titwank and tell the stupid bitch to hurry the fuck up while she’s about it.

I can’t make up my mind..Red lorry..Yellow lorry? Daff Bugger

Dr F: I too suffer from colour blindness. I mostly see red all the time.

Thank goodness. That’s the last of the pheasant plucking. I got a text from my boss apologising for his lack of punctuality and saying that you are meeting in a local public convenience but, unfortunately, it seems you are a cock short and would I come and bring mine to use. The last cock was sent to the butcher. But I do have a fruitbat at my Gran’s. She has poor eyesight and dementia and still thinks it's a budgerigar that died before I was born. The dead budgie was hastily replaced with ‘Maurice’ without her knowledge. To this day she thinks its her greedy carer eating four pounds of her nectarines a day. I will probably go down to the canal and steal a duck to put in the cage temporarily. How will I keep the duck from quacking as it might give the game away? Dick Edd

Dr F: Ducktape. This will stop your Grannie asking the ins and outs of a duck's arse which is where my cock comes in.

Evenin’,  wadies and gentlemen. Thanks werry much for your time and twubble to be here wiv me and wot a wuvvrely audience to come out in this dweadful wevver. God bwess you all evweebody. Now listen. Wot, total wot people talk. Here’s an example Wadies and Gentlemen, “Cinderwella wan awound the wagged wocks.”  Good night and sweet dweems wadies and Gentleman. By the ray Wadies and gentlemen, what a ranker my bruvver is. What a twaitor, twying to steal the wimewhite fwom me, Wadies and Gentlemen. He may have wots of fowowers on Tritter but it's no way to tweet his own fwesh and bwud.  J. Ross

Dr F: At least Cinderella can ‘roll her arse’! Any lass that just wants to sit down and watch the ashes can’t be all that bad. She is prettier than her sisters and besides, who looks at the mantelpiece while they are poking the fire? Ok, she does, but I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes when her sisters come back from the ball. They are made of glass for a start. Bit tricky on escalators I would think. If she snaps a heel, who is she going to call, “Chipsaway”?

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