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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Wildlife

I like to drink to excess and take drugs and swing both ways, which doubles my chances of a date on a Saturday night. Beat that for some wild life. D. Winton

Dr Farquar says: Maybe you should try reality. Or at least put it somewhere you can remember for next time. I’m not talking about your vices. This category is about protecting Wildlife. It’s as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

If wildlife is to be protected why don’t road builders put fences each side to stop roadkill? It beats me how rabbits are supposed to eat lots of carrots and still not see a truck coming towards them? As with badgers who have night vision and still get hit by 4x4’s? Nine times out of ten fifty horse riders and a pack of dogs can’t catch a fox but you often see them squished on roads. Rose Tullaokashun

Dr F: Yes. British Rail never break news of delays because of a ‘jumper’ on the track that is non-human. Like a Caribou grazing inbetween the rails at Charing Cross for instance. If a train is delayed, it is usually because of leaves or snow on the track. Yet, when is the last time a herd of rutting stags were hit by the 11.35 from Hammersmith to Marble Arch announced? If you were a pissed up homeless busker you would be very lucky indeed if you stumbled onto the track and got hit by a tube train to get a mention on the Tannoy at all.

How many Hordes could a Mongol hoard if a Mongol could hoard Hordes? Sadie Fword.

Dr F: Madam. This section is Wildlife so your tongue twister is totally inappropriate. Every body knows these people to whom you refer are now called Down Syndrome. Mind you they used to call people like you cretins or imbeciles so don’t feel too bad about an honest mistake.

Instead of making a complete arse of yourself, why don’t you get me somebody who knows what they are talking about, like Bill Oddie or Sir David Attenborough? Ivor Tennesee

Dr F: Because one, as a TV presenter, is worse than a housefly’s best chat up line and the other is practically extinct himself.

What do you mean as a TV presenter that “I’m worse than a housefly’s best chat up line”? What chat up line do you mean? B. Oddie.

Dr F: “Is this stool taken?”

Kan Grissly Bares owt runn Disslecksick peeple kwikker van thoze hoo kann zpell? And …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………doo thay really sheet in the weeds? (Sorree abowt ther bigg paws) Imogen Alldapeeple

Dr F: Yes. You have my word on this, but I doubt if the letters will ever be in the right order for you. People who cannot spell, can’t read food values either and thus end up eating everything that is bad for them. So, there it is. Facts show that ‘word-blind’ people are very much tastier for bears than people who eat healthy food as no bear likes humans with a low cholesterol count.

Bears do not follow a strict calorie controlled diet. Look what happened to Pavarotti. If they were forced to go on a diet they would start to sit down and sulk and cry at intervals. That is why they are called Grizzly bears.

It is a fact that a full grown Brown bear will just choke on a Vegetarian as they are often stringy and have nae tits. Bears hate mousey breath and the hand-knitted cardigans keep getting stuck in their throat.

Ray Mears looks like a young Benny Hill, so you can’t take his advice seriously, can you? Lets take a look at my proven bushcraft /orienteering skills and the best survival techniques in this life/death scenario.

If you are with a friend in the woods and pursued by a hungry bear, first of all - get your friend to wear the rucksack and both of you start running like you have just seen Elvis in a rural Post Office.

Here are a few tips while you both try to make your escape:

During your flight, take your boots off and throw them very hard at your friend. Making sure he/or she is behind you and they get a direct hit.

Take your thermos and empty the boiling contents onto your friends head.

As you pass thick barbed undergrowth, snap back branches so they whiplash back into your friend's face as you continue to make a dash for it.

Elbow your friend where possible, or try busting his/her mouth wide open with your camping frying pan if they try to catch you up.

If your friend suggests climbing a tree to get away from the bear that is now almost inevitably at your heels, agree quickly, and without a fuss, stop at the nearest tall tree and say that you will hold their cellphone while your friend climbs up first.

The moment your friend gives the phone to you knee him/her in the balls/stomach. When they crouch with winded pain hop onto their back and start climbing.

If your friend tries to follow you by grabbing the first branches, bite their knuckles or pee in their eyes. If this doesn’t loosen their grip, shove your Ipod in their mouth and pinch their nose with a measure of force to make them swallow it.

The moral of this advice is that NEVER EVER try to outrun a hungry bear.

You only have to outrun your friend.

With regard to the second part of the question. The only way to find out if a bear does shit in the woods is to follow these final hints.

When your friend is totally consumed by the bear it will probably head back to the woods to sleep off your friend in a cave somewhere.

Staying high in your tree use your cellphone to call the ranger/emergency services/rescue team and, when they arrive, arrange to borrow a shotgun. Two days later, go back into the forest to search for bear droppings from the safety of an armoured truck.

Now, if you happen to see some ‘bear squeeze’ with your Ipod sticking out of it, then the answer is ‘yes they do’.

Personally, unlike you, I would feel a great sense of personal loss. Why do such a terrible thing like shoving a Ipod down your friends throat?

Mind, you can pick them up quite cheap from Argos these days, and who wants one with bear plop on it anyway? Thank God it wasn’t your Sat Nav he swallowed! Otherwise you might get a bit lost on your way home and end up late for your tea and ‘Springwatch.’

With friends like that who needs ‘em anyway? ‘Once bitten twice shy’ as they say.

see also Dr Farquar-Smith on:

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