Back Home

The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Words

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped? (Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: On my computer I dropped all the names of patients I see that won’t invite me around for tea. I expected an outcry but the computer remained quite silent apart from the usual ‘hum’ and I put that down to a fungal infection between my legs.

I avoid any form of prejudice and that’s why I hate everybody. Apart from, that is, disgraced ugly fat cockney Jade of course. Now I wouldn’t mind having her chubby ankles on my wing-mirrors. I fancy ‘growling at the badger’ there. She knows less than a dozen words in the average vocabulary but she has more rabbit than John Major’s curious fore-lip.

She at least has made TV history to show the world the level of quality entertainment we Brits love to watch.

She may have all the vital signs, dialogue and diction of a half arsed short plank from Do-It-All with its brains kicked out and makes sounds when ‘in full flight’ from her immense gob like that of bubble wrap squeezed through a pasta maker. It may be also true that she has the personality of a paper cup and the sex appeal of a beached Zeppelin…. but blokes…..what a girl?

Here are two more facts about Jade that may shock you…

If she lost at Russian Roulette the bullet would ricochet 3000 times inside her head before it ever hit anything.

Her command of the English language has the same fluidity as a paraplegic sloth trudging through molasses on the North face of the Eiger while wearing dolphins as galoshes and a pre-war solid oak double wardrobe tied to its knob…

But it has to be said…

… a tasteless thundering great fanny fiddling Philistine she may be…and…with a Mother resembling a cross between Widow Twanky and some half dead wriggling road-kill….but at least she speaks her mind.

Remember we’re British and freedom of expression is a luxury we took and kept from countless countries during Our Great Empire of the colonies and the Raj… when men were men… and women were double breasted…. and Goa was more than a holiday for old white middleclass paedophiles.

Granted… she made racist comments while on Big Brother and that’s why I won’t abide bigotry or insults against people of all gender creeds and colour. I will often have trained health care professionals from every part of the world working alongside me, as long as they don’t try to sell me something or want more than the National Minimum Wage.

There is nothing worse than a ‘White Supremacist’. That why I always drink my Harvey Wallbanger without milk.

I expect I am the only person to stick up for Jade because I want her to ‘have a bite of my big red rosy apple’…… so who of you….. dare ‘cast the first stone’? I love a change from my usual queue of stunning elegant and witty women now and again. What’s wrong with a bit of rough? From time to time I will even pay for an ugly one myself just to give my better looking girls a fag break.

For Jade and her family ‘ethnic cleansing’ is interpreted as allowing Asians to get work as lavatory attendants at Heathrow airport. She thinks that ‘genocide’ is an alternative to weed-killer. That ‘climate change’ is an optional extra on her next car. That ‘race hatred’ is refusing to join in the London marathon. Racism is down to ignorance and in Jade's case ignorance is ‘truly’ bliss. Perhaps she needs to go back to school?

How much is a xxx gymslip for bad white girls on Ebay these days?

What's the synonym for Thesaurus? (Fooge)

Dr F: The same as for simile.

When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses? (Fooge)

Dr F: X-Beatle wife and Heather Mills preached that milk is full of pustules and unhealthy. Lets face it, if anybody knows how to ‘milk it for all its worth’ she does. I have nothing against her and her gold digging. I have nothing against her good leg and the trouble is, neither has she.

When day breaks who fixes it? (Fooge)

Dr F: The same person who picks up the night when it falls.

When I erase a word where does it go? (Fooge)

Dr F: I often show nurse my etchings and use a ‘rubber’ and know exactly where it goes. Knotted one end and left under the bed for an unspecified period.

When we say our mind wanders - where does it go? (Fooge)

Dr F: This may happen if you are ‘in two minds’ about things and they go their separate ways causing you to have ‘halve a mind’ to do something. You may want to ‘give people a piece of your mind’ because they are already ‘mindless’. Keeping an ‘open mind’ may cause it to wander but ‘don’t mind me’.

If you ‘set your mind’ to do something it will generally leave you with ‘a mind of your own’ leaving your ‘mind made up’. If you ‘go out of your mind’ remember to ‘mind the gap’. You can ‘blow my mind’ and the ‘mind boggles’.

‘You can ‘mind-bend’ in your ‘mind's eye’. You can ‘say you don’t mind’ ‘if you don’t mind’. You can use ‘mind over matter’ and ‘read my mind’ as long as you are ‘mindful’. You may be a ‘mind-fuck’ and so ‘you better mind out’ with those ‘mind games’. Just ‘mind your own back’ and ‘mind your step’ with me. ‘Mind your P’s and Q’s’ and your own feckin’ business’.

Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath? My girlfriends breath is so bad when we kiss my lips go numb. It’s like kissing an overworked sludge-gulper and small white painful florets have formed on my tonsils. What should I do?(Fooge)

Dr F: These are genital warts. What lips were you kissing did you say?

One patient I knew had breath to melt the tyres off a car. His name was Harry Tosis son of Ginger Vitis. Good oral hygiene is essential for fresh tingly breath. Check your own by huffing on a mirror and watching your expression while sucking a Victory V. Your girlfriend must either stop biting her fingernails or quit scratching her haemorrhoids.

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket and why are we all wearing shorts shirts and dresses made from the bathroom curtains? (Fooge)

Dr F: You want Dr Earsplittenloudenboumer down the hall. Room 284. By the way, how long are you going to flog this Von Trapp thing to death? It’s over.. move on…your too feckin’ old now. You’ve had the rosy glow of youth. Give someone else a chance. Haven’t you seen ‘High School Musical’ yet? It’s like ‘The Sound of Music’ with asbo orders.

see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:

New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Extra Terrestials
More Definitions
General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Pet Hates
Senility or Stupidity?
Conundrums 2
Christmas 2
Aversion Therapy
Personal Experience
Growing Up
Surviving Insanity
Sexual Harrassment
Murphy's Law

Question Time