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The agony uncle who travels incognito to avoid
Perry Estelle

Edgy Britwit logic chopping on the loose

This week - Xmas 2

My wife and I are working opposite shifts over Christmas so we are going to be ‘passing ships’. (Fooge)

Dr Farquar says: That’s constipation for you.

Apparently the Christmas tree is nothing to do with the birth of Christ and more to do with a co-incidental Roman pagan festival of re-birth and fertility. If I stick myself on top of one can I quit the IVF treatment? (Fooge)

Dr F. I’ve heard of ‘’sprucing yourself up for Xmas’ but that’s dickrickulous.

I hate those smug ‘round robin’ letters. You never get one saying negative things. It’s all about what that family has achieved and how wonderful the family is. How can I discourage this bragging from others? After all Xmas is about being thoughtful to others. Not nice to get a glowing report on the same year when you have had a right shitty one, is it? (By Fooge)

Dr F: Don’t be ungrateful. Send it back with a note saying that you plan to drop in for a mince pie with a friend. Find somebody with wet leprosy and make them sit on the sofa. It will take more than Mr Muscle to get that bugger out of the upholstery when you have left. This may help your friends realise that not everybody is as fortunate as them and will be less self-satisfied next year.

I am on a budget this Christmas as I have just enrolled on a hypnotherapy class. I thought I might send presents by telepathy to save money. What do you think? (Fooge)

Dr F: It’s the thought that counts.

I found a Yule log in my fridge. Where did it come from exactly? (Fooge)

Dr F: All these tasty Christmas associated symbols stem from Roman paganism and not Jesus. A special log was chosen on the eve of Yule, for the holiday fire. A small piece from last year's log is used to light the fire. The lighting of the fire was a festive family event, to hurry the return of the sun. Charred pieces from the fire would be kept to protect the house through the coming year. The woods most often sought for the Yule log were birch, oak willow or holly. Today, the Yule log is sometimes represented as a log cake instead. Or a small log is decorated with candles. The burning of the Yule log is a well-known tradition, but it's not often done outside of the Pagan community anymore. But in answer to your question probably Sainsbury’s as Tesco don’t sell them anymore.

Why did the three wise men bring Myrrh and Frankenstein? Not that wise were they? Surely they could have brought something more useful like something for nappy rash or a steriliser? (Fooge)

Dr F: Yes, what are they like? Mind you we are led to believe that Mary conceived without any penetrative sex and then without warning three other dicks turn up.

I hate Pantos. They get more tacky smutty and are more to do with obscure ‘hasbean’ celebrities dressing up as the opposite sex than preserving the essence of age-old children stories and tradition. Guess where you can stick this year's pantomime? (Fooge)

Dr F: Behind you.

Why do people give a receipt with presents at Xmas? Surely you are as well to give cash? It’s like saying…” I’ve bought you this present because I don’t know anything about you and your taste and I couldn’t be bothered to find out…and I also couldn’t be bothered anyway because I woke up with some lint in my navel and my canary has a migraine and because it might rain in Nigeria. Anyway I have always thought of you as a bit of tit anyway.” (Fooge)

Dr F: Give everybody the same and avoid favouritism. Make sure it is genderless too. So how about one of those dolls called ‘Sexy Sadie Never says No.'

If Turkey is so wonderful then why do we only have it only once a year and tastes like exploded office carpet? (Fooge)

Dr F: Coming off Class ‘A’ drugs is called ‘Cold Turkey’ for this reason. So stuff it with heroin this year and watch Gramps little face when there’s none left on Boxing Day.

Why Brussels sprouts? They are lethal depth charges. Last year I bent down to tie my shoelaces and machine gunned a whole bus queue. (Fooge)

Dr F: You can avoid flatulence this Xmas. Eat in the feckin’ shed.

Last year we had stuffing from a Jamie Oliver recipe. Should he be allowed to deal in weapons of mass destruction? (Fooge)

Dr F: Yes. ‘Paxo’ is best. It does not contain so much gelignite but will still shift the Boulder dam and liberate whole countries. In future lay the table knife fork and stomach pump.


see also Dr Farquar - Smith on:
New Year
The Ward
More death
The Generation Gap
Body Neurosis
Anti-Social Behaviour
Health and Safety
More Life
Yet More Life
Even More Life
Everlasting Life
Extra Terrestials
More Definitions
General Enquiries 1
General Enquiries 2
Pet Hates
Senility or Stupidity?
Conundrums 2
Aversion Therapy