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NEWS published 12.02am

ATTEMPT TO BAN MISERABLE PEOPLE
THE PRESS Council announces radical plans to discourage tabloids from showing pictures of miserable people...

2004 PUT ON HOLD
THE GOVERNMENT wants to delay the launch of the next year by six months...

BIG SCARY CRIME FIGURES
FIGURES out today reveal an alarming rise in the number of crimes which should really make you shit yersel...

BAD MAN HITS LOLLIPOP LADY
FATHER of fifteen reaches end of tether and lashes out at school crossing...

THE END IS NIGH!
THE end of the world is nigh, according to a leading scientist....

WORKERS REVOLUTION IN THE OFFING
PLANS to overthrow the capitalist state should swing into action by next Wednesday...

MUMBELESE DECLARED OFFICIAL LANGUAGE OF TEENAGERS
A NEW language reflecting teenagers' fear of consonants is officially recognised...

EAT FOOD
THE Government's new health initiative urges people to eat food when at all possible...

CUTE ANIMAL STORY
GRATUITOUS item on the hilarious antics of a Yorkshire Terrier...

PEOPLE POOR SHOCK
LOADS of poor people found all over the place...

FOOTBALLER SPITS
LATEST pictures...

THE NIGHTS ARE FAIR DRAWIN' IN
OLD people have their say on the burning issues of the day...

DRUGS BARONS' NOBILITY QUESTIONED
CONFUSED punters ask how did these people achieve royal status f'godssake...

MISSING LINK FOUND
NEANDERTHAL remains discovered underneath floorboards in Pilton. And it's wearing Kappa...

IT'S ALL GOD'S FAULT
OFFICIAL findings put the blame on the Almighty for every calamity to have befallen humankind...

PIGEONS ON DOPE
CRAZED drug fuelled pigeons attack city centre...

TOLERANCE ABOLISHED
THE Government decides to finally abolish tolerance in the face of growing public discontent...

MURDER INCIDENTS INCREASING
FURTHER evidence to scare the crap out of everyone...

TABLOID HEADLINES PREY ON GULLIBLE
SHOCK findings accuse newspapers of deliberately stirring up panic in people's breasties...

NOW THAT WE'VE FOUND LOVE
WHAT are we going to do with it?...

PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES
STONE throwing frenzy breaks out amongst the bored priviliged classes...

POKEMON DRIVE BY SHOOTING
MASS murder in youngster's quest to complete his collection...

SEX
LATEST pictures...

DRUGS
WHERE to get them...

VIOLENCE
THE only thing that'll make them see sense...

HEADLINES WANTED
LEADING journalist runs out of eye-catching headlines and resorts to seeking help shock...

SATIRICAL NEWS STORIES BEGIN TO LOSE BITE
LEADING journalist grows weary and hits the bottle...

AW, WHO BLOODY CARES?
ALCOHOL begins to take effect...

NOBODY'S READING THIS STUFF ANYWAY
SELF- PITY starts to get a grip...

I HATE YOU ALL
ANGER takes hold...

IT'S ALL SO BLEEDIN' POINTLESS
MAUDLIN wallowing in existential angst ensues...

YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND
SENTIMENTALITY holds sway....

DON'T CRY FOR ME AL PACINO
FOLLOWED by incomprehension...

GIRAFFES KICK ASS
DESCENDING into complete bollocks...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
AND finally slipping into unconsciousness...

 

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