This Week's Top Ten

1. The No.1 Song in Heaven - Sparks
2. Angels - Rabbi Williams
3. Stars - Simply Dead
4. Jesus Star - James (St)
5. Oh My God - Kaiser Priests
6. Cloud Nine - The Lead Us Not Into Temptations
7. What Becomes Of The Broken Harpist? - Jimmy Ruffin
8. Sympathy For The Devil (not) - The Sarcastic Stones
9. When You're Dead and Gone - MyGuinness Flat
10. Jesus Wants Me For A Hillman Imp - The Empty Vesselines

coming soon

People will invariably get up and die. That's why we here at The Heavenly Times (the ONLY newspaper in heaven) are committed to keeping you up to date with all that's happening in the afterlife.

Joni: "They Paved Paradise!"

by Tina Park
culture correspondent

Former 60s beatnik and singer/songwarbler, Joni Mitchell, is 'absolutely livid' at reports filtering down to earth about our new car park facilities. Joni fumed yesterday, 'They paved paradise and put up a parkin' lot. With a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swingin' hot spot!'

She is also reportedly outraged that the Department for Hevenly Leisure and Recreation are charging people a dollar and a half admission to see the trees in the tree museum.

A spokesperson for the Heaven Planning Department said yesterday, 'If Joni had indeed looked at clouds from both sides, she will have seen the necessity for extra car parking spaces for our parishioners. Wait till she finds out about the Kentucky Fried Chicken Megastore!'


Angel Missing

by Laura Norder
crime correspondent

70s soul combo, Tavares, are being questioned by the earthly division of the celestial police brigade following allegations that Heaven must be missing an angel. The group have allegedly stated that she's "here with me, right now."

Superintendent Dixon of Dock Green yesterday confirmed that the group had also aked for several other criminal records to be taken into consideration.






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